Life has been rich lately. We have had another family stay with us for a while. The were close friends, and now they have become even closer friends. Life has been richer with them in it. In the past, we have had friends stay with us, it didn't end well. In the back of my mind, is still the memory of that tauma.. But there is a difference, this time. With this family, we wrestle through the ugliness of our humanity, but not alone, through Christ. The gospel sustains our struggles, with each other, and with ourselves. Human nature, is pretty self centered. In a house with 4 adults, 9 children (ages 11-7 months), 3 dogs, and 2 Chinese water dragons.....that selfishness can be highlighted. Ultimately, it feels good to see the growth in us all..... and to see all the immense benefits of living life, this close together. There are the benefits of constant babysitters. Knowing that my kids can take correction from other adults. Help with house chores!! Not being the only one responsible for meals. On and on the blessings flow. I could not do fostering with the miniscule success, in this season of my life, without the help that I have. Without the loving insight that I gain from another set of eyes watching me.
We had a crazy couple of weeks a bit back, when we added a 2 month old, followed by a 3 year old and 8 year old, within 2 days.....the two babies were too much (we have a 7 month old, already). For the first time, I was sure, I'd bitten off, more than I could chew. But I was assured by the caseworkers that both the placements were temporary. The 2 month old was able to go to her grandmother....but the 3 and 8 year old are still in our care.....5 weeks later. I have fallen pretty hard for the two that we have. There is just something about them. I cannot put into words what, or why. Out of the 26 placements that we have had over the years, this instant bond, has occurred 3 times. This brother and half sister, are the 3rd time. Their case is a mess! There are other siblings involved, and a very likely chance that they will move from our care. I hold them loosely, and am just grateful for them, while I have them. Letting the miracle, that we still have them, wash over me.
Who I was, what my expectations were of fostercare, when God brought us to this journey, have drastically changed in the past few short years. I began with many expectations.....I tried not to, but they were buried there, in my mind. I expected the journey to be clear (knowing what would happen next, to the kids, to the cases, to our family life, etc). I think I expected manageable disruptions in our family. I expected to grow our family. I expected that we would be doing good. None of those things have occurred, certainly, not the way I assumed they would.
We have gained a beautiful boy, who continues to teach me more and more about humility and about the ugliness in my motives, and heart. So in a sense, we did grow, as a family. All the things that I did not ever want to happen as foster parents, (all the things people say "they could never do", when they hear we are a foster home) well, they have all happened. We have been investigated, have been in court with a birthmother fighting for us to have custody of a child we grew to love immensely, only to hear a judge say NO. We had children in our family for a year and half, only to say goodbye to them, without any contact from the bio mom. That, is still painful to think about. I still think about all of the children, still pray constantly for some.
It took all the children and cases for me to come to the place where I am now. I have a peace, that I didn't have when we began. I am bonded to the kids in our home, more so, than most of our previous placements, but I know that they are not mine, that our time will only be what God says.... and whatever the outcome.... I have peace about it.
I am no longer pining for more information, or trying to understand, or know what is going to happen, when. I am in the backseat, breathing through the ride, that is fostercare. All the time that we have, is so very uncertain. Cases change directions, a million times over.
I suspect that God has permanent children, who need a home.... whom may or may not come our way...either way, I have peace. I am not fighting with God about how I want this to go, and when I want this (permanency in our family) to happen. I rest knowing that He has this. However our family's story is being written, it will be beautiful, without my hands trying to orchestrate.....and the character He is shaping within, may be the most treasured part, or this journey.
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