I think when you mourn, you do that mental timeline. A week ago today we said goodbye... two weeks ago, we still had her in our care. The time moving makes me aware, that even when I am mourning, life still goes on. I wonder and pray for our little one, a lot.
I am that much more grateful for the ones that are still with us, and the one, that I know will not ever leave us. Today, I had our little boy, whom we are adopting, we'll call him T, have a major break down. First let me describe T and tell you a little bit about our 4 year old little boy.
We got the call for little boy T in August of 2013. They didn't know his name, but we said yes. I jumped into our car and went to meet this chubby little boy who grunted and said "hey" to everyone. He was playing with a yellow truck, dressed in flimsy pants, a pull up, and lots of dirt all over his chubby body. This was the child God answered our prayers with. It was not what I expected! But I brought him home, gave him a shower and searched through bins with my boys' old clothes, to see, if by some miracle, I had some clothes that could fit, I found jammies!!! My kids and I settled in to watch a movie upstairs in my bedroom. Toby was in Valdez working, so I sent him a picture of our new addition. He laughed.....
I look back on the child we picked up and the past year and a half and marvel. Those first few months were hard..... for everyone involved. T was super speech delayed, in fact the most I've seen. He didn't know how to tell us what he wanted. He would wake up during the night screaming. It was pretty clear he was traumatized. At the time, I just assumed the trauma of being removed was the issue, so I naïvely thought they should place him back into his mother's care. Plus, remember? He wasn't what I expected. His case has been open for 15months. At 10 months, we knew the goal changed from reunification, to adoption. I know that so many foster mothers talk about their deep love for the children in their home. I wish I could say that I immediately fell in love, and the bond is immensely strong. But that would not be honest. My love for T has grown, but for a while there, I was not sure. He is my son. He has become a very dynamic child. I pray for his little heart.
T is also of Alaskan native decent. In fact, he is 100%. He is from a very remote and unique tribe. We are learning a lot, because we want him to be proud of who he is. His case involved a different set of rules, than just the state. Due to ICWA (indian child welfare act), we are not the preferred placement. His tribe and their requests are looked at with heavy weight, in the courtroom. T's tribe has approved his adoption, so that is a pretty miraculous thing.
Realizing that he was not properly cared for his first few years of life, is hard. I must remind myself, of this as his broken heart is finally, finally revealing itself. He is very much alive. He loves to laugh, and be outside. His ability to enjoy life, humbles me and my desire to control it. Everyone love T. But as his mother, I also see the residual effects of visits and abandonment. His desire to shut off his heart and push everyone away and feel sorry for himself. It worries me. I have had to pray about how to approach him, when he's in that stand offish place. He sabotages and manipulates, and this is a side, reserved solely for me. I am left with the mess, and am the scapegoat. I have hope, because God specifically chose us to raise him.
As we begin the home study and deal with the court dates, it's exciting and exhausting. He now is able to talk. T's still plenty delayed, but it's a night and day difference, since he has come to live with us.
If you ask any foster parent what the challenges are with being a foster parent, I think you will most likely hear on the top of the list, that the visits challenge us to no end. The visits remind me that I am at the mercy of someone else. They remind me that I pick up pieces. They remind me that my family is not our own. And the effects from having the visits, or having a no show, or rescheduling, are awful. So I wait, until T's visits are no more. I am praying and trying to figure out, how to love T's mother and still protect him from the abandonment that looms over his head, constantly.
I am grateful for the journey that has brought us T.
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