I've had this longing in my heart for some time. A longing to be able to connect with a biological mother, of a child that is in our home. I have also longed that if we actually added to our family, it would not be a caucasian child. You see, my son that we finally adopted last year. is inupiaq (alaskan native) and I do not want him to believe that our shade is the only shade of beauty. I know it's not popular to admit these things, but it's true. A few days ago, both my silly longings were fullfilled. We welcomed a little boy into our home, because his birth mother chose us. In foster care, this is rare! Unfortunately, because of the nature of the system....foster parents and bio parents are on opposite sides, of just about everything. I don't like it. A lot of times, being on my child's side, means that I cannot be on the bio's. But I have met a few bio moms out there, that my heart immediately went to, this little boy's mom is one of them. Needless to say, I absolutely am smitten with her son. Smitten. He is bright and tender hearted, and is currently snoring in his crib, by me. I don't know what will happen in this case, but the way that this little boy came into our care, is a story that God starting writing 13 years ago. That is how long ago it was, that I worked with his grandmother. I marvel at it all.
The past few months have been intense in our home. Toby had to, for the first time in over a decade, get a job. My husband has worked with his father his whole life, but there has not been work. So a couple of weeks ago, he got a job with the school district. There were months without work. It was so rewarding seeing how God provided. No need was not met, ever. We also decided, as a couple, to not take any more fostering situations. We have our 11 month old, but that was it, right after the 2 placements left (a week after my last post). The weight of a revolving door took a tole on our hearts, and marriage. So we decided to do some maintenance work on our communication and redefine the roles in our family, that we each have. What a rich journey it has been. What a gracious God to be so merciful to us. Under the guidance of a wise couple, God has done much. The gospel is relevant in all areas of our life, especially our marriage. It has been good. So as we focused on God, everything else really fell into place.
Our family feels settled. It feels good to breath. I feel an abundant amount of gratefulness. He is enough.
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Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
I'm No Superhero
Life has been rich lately. We have had another family stay with us for a while. The were close friends, and now they have become even closer friends. Life has been richer with them in it. In the past, we have had friends stay with us, it didn't end well. In the back of my mind, is still the memory of that tauma.. But there is a difference, this time. With this family, we wrestle through the ugliness of our humanity, but not alone, through Christ. The gospel sustains our struggles, with each other, and with ourselves. Human nature, is pretty self centered. In a house with 4 adults, 9 children (ages 11-7 months), 3 dogs, and 2 Chinese water dragons.....that selfishness can be highlighted. Ultimately, it feels good to see the growth in us all..... and to see all the immense benefits of living life, this close together. There are the benefits of constant babysitters. Knowing that my kids can take correction from other adults. Help with house chores!! Not being the only one responsible for meals. On and on the blessings flow. I could not do fostering with the miniscule success, in this season of my life, without the help that I have. Without the loving insight that I gain from another set of eyes watching me.
We had a crazy couple of weeks a bit back, when we added a 2 month old, followed by a 3 year old and 8 year old, within 2 days.....the two babies were too much (we have a 7 month old, already). For the first time, I was sure, I'd bitten off, more than I could chew. But I was assured by the caseworkers that both the placements were temporary. The 2 month old was able to go to her grandmother....but the 3 and 8 year old are still in our care.....5 weeks later. I have fallen pretty hard for the two that we have. There is just something about them. I cannot put into words what, or why. Out of the 26 placements that we have had over the years, this instant bond, has occurred 3 times. This brother and half sister, are the 3rd time. Their case is a mess! There are other siblings involved, and a very likely chance that they will move from our care. I hold them loosely, and am just grateful for them, while I have them. Letting the miracle, that we still have them, wash over me.
Who I was, what my expectations were of fostercare, when God brought us to this journey, have drastically changed in the past few short years. I began with many expectations.....I tried not to, but they were buried there, in my mind. I expected the journey to be clear (knowing what would happen next, to the kids, to the cases, to our family life, etc). I think I expected manageable disruptions in our family. I expected to grow our family. I expected that we would be doing good. None of those things have occurred, certainly, not the way I assumed they would.
We have gained a beautiful boy, who continues to teach me more and more about humility and about the ugliness in my motives, and heart. So in a sense, we did grow, as a family. All the things that I did not ever want to happen as foster parents, (all the things people say "they could never do", when they hear we are a foster home) well, they have all happened. We have been investigated, have been in court with a birthmother fighting for us to have custody of a child we grew to love immensely, only to hear a judge say NO. We had children in our family for a year and half, only to say goodbye to them, without any contact from the bio mom. That, is still painful to think about. I still think about all of the children, still pray constantly for some.
It took all the children and cases for me to come to the place where I am now. I have a peace, that I didn't have when we began. I am bonded to the kids in our home, more so, than most of our previous placements, but I know that they are not mine, that our time will only be what God says.... and whatever the outcome.... I have peace about it.
I am no longer pining for more information, or trying to understand, or know what is going to happen, when. I am in the backseat, breathing through the ride, that is fostercare. All the time that we have, is so very uncertain. Cases change directions, a million times over.
I suspect that God has permanent children, who need a home.... whom may or may not come our way...either way, I have peace. I am not fighting with God about how I want this to go, and when I want this (permanency in our family) to happen. I rest knowing that He has this. However our family's story is being written, it will be beautiful, without my hands trying to orchestrate.....and the character He is shaping within, may be the most treasured part, or this journey. Pin It Now!
We had a crazy couple of weeks a bit back, when we added a 2 month old, followed by a 3 year old and 8 year old, within 2 days.....the two babies were too much (we have a 7 month old, already). For the first time, I was sure, I'd bitten off, more than I could chew. But I was assured by the caseworkers that both the placements were temporary. The 2 month old was able to go to her grandmother....but the 3 and 8 year old are still in our care.....5 weeks later. I have fallen pretty hard for the two that we have. There is just something about them. I cannot put into words what, or why. Out of the 26 placements that we have had over the years, this instant bond, has occurred 3 times. This brother and half sister, are the 3rd time. Their case is a mess! There are other siblings involved, and a very likely chance that they will move from our care. I hold them loosely, and am just grateful for them, while I have them. Letting the miracle, that we still have them, wash over me.
Who I was, what my expectations were of fostercare, when God brought us to this journey, have drastically changed in the past few short years. I began with many expectations.....I tried not to, but they were buried there, in my mind. I expected the journey to be clear (knowing what would happen next, to the kids, to the cases, to our family life, etc). I think I expected manageable disruptions in our family. I expected to grow our family. I expected that we would be doing good. None of those things have occurred, certainly, not the way I assumed they would.
We have gained a beautiful boy, who continues to teach me more and more about humility and about the ugliness in my motives, and heart. So in a sense, we did grow, as a family. All the things that I did not ever want to happen as foster parents, (all the things people say "they could never do", when they hear we are a foster home) well, they have all happened. We have been investigated, have been in court with a birthmother fighting for us to have custody of a child we grew to love immensely, only to hear a judge say NO. We had children in our family for a year and half, only to say goodbye to them, without any contact from the bio mom. That, is still painful to think about. I still think about all of the children, still pray constantly for some.
It took all the children and cases for me to come to the place where I am now. I have a peace, that I didn't have when we began. I am bonded to the kids in our home, more so, than most of our previous placements, but I know that they are not mine, that our time will only be what God says.... and whatever the outcome.... I have peace about it.
I am no longer pining for more information, or trying to understand, or know what is going to happen, when. I am in the backseat, breathing through the ride, that is fostercare. All the time that we have, is so very uncertain. Cases change directions, a million times over.
I suspect that God has permanent children, who need a home.... whom may or may not come our way...either way, I have peace. I am not fighting with God about how I want this to go, and when I want this (permanency in our family) to happen. I rest knowing that He has this. However our family's story is being written, it will be beautiful, without my hands trying to orchestrate.....and the character He is shaping within, may be the most treasured part, or this journey. Pin It Now!
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Christmas Farwell
It feels nice to sit on my bed and type away, because it has been so very long. A lot has changed. Our two girls are back with their biological mom, and her "new" husband, who refers to himself, as "the girl's dad". We dropped them off in a pretty scary part of town, on Sunday afternoon.
Grief is a funny thing, it can move you around an emotional pendulum, that you weren't even aware existed inside your brain/heart.
I have something I refer to as a "negative disposition". I can take many guesses about the origins of this personality flaw, I have, but it really doesn't matter where it came from. It's really easy for me to turn every emotion into anger. But Christ. Everything I see or feel really doesn't matter, because Christ. His perspective, His truth, His love, it changes everything. These past few days, I have needed to be reminded, desperately, about that reality. The reality of the Gospel. It's a reality that I need to remind myself of daily. Loss really brings that to light. I am confident of Him, in this situation. Every time I have to say goodbye to any of the kids that become family, I know and am reminded, I do not save children, He does. I may not know the story He will write for our girls, lives. And that's ok, mostly. He has been kind to me, as I have felt crabby, and a lot less patient, with everyone.
The decision for the girls to return was made on a Tuesday, and that following Sunday, they were gone. It was quick. I asked for that, because it has been so difficult for our 7 year old to gauge her reality. To know where she belongs. I pray. I think after several months, I may feel like this is permanent. Right now, I don't quite, yet.
The house is so quiet. My life is so much more manageable. No more visits, therapies, appointments, and counseling appointments. No more toddler whinings and defiance. No more need for constant affirmation, that is never enough. It is sad.
This is the reason that I hear so many "I could never do that" comments. But I must protest, and say, it's hard, but so very worth it. I have no regrets. none.
This season celebrates all that is worthy of praise and honor. It celebrates all that I hope in. That a child was born, as prophets declared, many years before, to a virgin. He was the Son of God, who humbled himself, dwelling among men....so that He could die the death fit for a murder, even though, He was without sin. (something no man can know). He bore the wrath of God, on a cross.....to atone for the sins I commit daily. But that is not the best part...... my hope rests in His resurrection. He rose again!!! He never died. AND, He is coming back. This is what fuels my life. He is worthy of all my praise....no matter what I feel. When He comes back.....nothing will be the same.
Merry Christmas, beautiful believers.
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Grief is a funny thing, it can move you around an emotional pendulum, that you weren't even aware existed inside your brain/heart.
I have something I refer to as a "negative disposition". I can take many guesses about the origins of this personality flaw, I have, but it really doesn't matter where it came from. It's really easy for me to turn every emotion into anger. But Christ. Everything I see or feel really doesn't matter, because Christ. His perspective, His truth, His love, it changes everything. These past few days, I have needed to be reminded, desperately, about that reality. The reality of the Gospel. It's a reality that I need to remind myself of daily. Loss really brings that to light. I am confident of Him, in this situation. Every time I have to say goodbye to any of the kids that become family, I know and am reminded, I do not save children, He does. I may not know the story He will write for our girls, lives. And that's ok, mostly. He has been kind to me, as I have felt crabby, and a lot less patient, with everyone.
The decision for the girls to return was made on a Tuesday, and that following Sunday, they were gone. It was quick. I asked for that, because it has been so difficult for our 7 year old to gauge her reality. To know where she belongs. I pray. I think after several months, I may feel like this is permanent. Right now, I don't quite, yet.
The house is so quiet. My life is so much more manageable. No more visits, therapies, appointments, and counseling appointments. No more toddler whinings and defiance. No more need for constant affirmation, that is never enough. It is sad.
This is the reason that I hear so many "I could never do that" comments. But I must protest, and say, it's hard, but so very worth it. I have no regrets. none.
This season celebrates all that is worthy of praise and honor. It celebrates all that I hope in. That a child was born, as prophets declared, many years before, to a virgin. He was the Son of God, who humbled himself, dwelling among men....so that He could die the death fit for a murder, even though, He was without sin. (something no man can know). He bore the wrath of God, on a cross.....to atone for the sins I commit daily. But that is not the best part...... my hope rests in His resurrection. He rose again!!! He never died. AND, He is coming back. This is what fuels my life. He is worthy of all my praise....no matter what I feel. When He comes back.....nothing will be the same.
Merry Christmas, beautiful believers.
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Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Glee and Delight
I wish that I come to the blogging world with glee and delight, but I come to release, and process. My world of foster care doesn't have much glee or delight, currently. The school year began with so much hope in my heart for our two girls. Their story continues to be written, mostly in a language, that I cannot read. The case has been all over the place. A month ago, we got a new caseworker, the goal was going to change to adoption. Today, we are mentally, packing up the girls, as we have done so many times over the year, and preparing to say goodbye. The new caseworker sees no red flags in their return to their bio-mom, and her new husband. None. And I cannot, for the life of me, make any sense of that conclusion. How can two caseworkers have completely different takes on the same case? How can one see many red flags, while the other see none? It makes me question their return, all the more. I have no assurance of them being in a safe home. In our state's current layout..... that seems to not matter much. It's a cross your finger sort of arrangement.
But I am confident in my God, and His love for our girls. His unrelenting pursuit of them. I believe in prayer. I know He knows, what I do not, and He is good. My confidence rests solely on Him. I hold on to hope...I continue to pray. That is enough.
Our 7 year old has been through so many emotions, in the past 15 months, with us. I cannot imagine our family without her. She and my birth daughter have grown, through much struggle, close. The sad reality is that my daughter will most likely be the one that feels the greatest loss, because our 7 year old has had enough of it, to cope. Her sister, who turned 2, yesterday, does not know any other mother. She's had visits, but that is not the same, I have been her mother. She will not understand why.
Do we prepare for Christmas without them? With them? We don't know. We have been here before.
The reality is that loss is a part of life. And these painful lessons teach me to rely on the only stability, truth and hope. May you find comfort, in the greatest days of need. Goodnight.
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But I am confident in my God, and His love for our girls. His unrelenting pursuit of them. I believe in prayer. I know He knows, what I do not, and He is good. My confidence rests solely on Him. I hold on to hope...I continue to pray. That is enough.
Our 7 year old has been through so many emotions, in the past 15 months, with us. I cannot imagine our family without her. She and my birth daughter have grown, through much struggle, close. The sad reality is that my daughter will most likely be the one that feels the greatest loss, because our 7 year old has had enough of it, to cope. Her sister, who turned 2, yesterday, does not know any other mother. She's had visits, but that is not the same, I have been her mother. She will not understand why.
Do we prepare for Christmas without them? With them? We don't know. We have been here before.
The reality is that loss is a part of life. And these painful lessons teach me to rely on the only stability, truth and hope. May you find comfort, in the greatest days of need. Goodnight.
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Saturday, August 29, 2015
How Much Is Too Much?
Today I was having a conversation with one of my most favorite people, in the world.... my mother in law, and the topic of "how many children is too many children" popped on the string of conversation that we were having. In context, she was telling me that someone else mentioned that maybe having as many kids as we have, is not okay. Maybe we have too many kids?I smiled, as we continued the conversation, both on the same page of that issue.
A few days ago, I had a bad day. One of those days where everything and everyone seems to take and take, and not much is giving (except for maybe that cup of coffee). I found out that my 6th grader had been cheating on his math for months (and consequently, he could not tell me where the place values were for a number), that my daughter, who is perfectly competent in math, was not willing to try, I had another child bother me incessantly to change the "no electronics during the week" rule, also a toddler whining, and newborn fussing, mixed in with screaming....... it was one of "those" days. I finally did loose my cool and did yell at my pestering son, because I wanted to do the bible study with my girlfriends who had just showed up, at my home(the irony is not lost on me)... only to have the person that transports our girls to visits... show up..... it was a parenting fail. Honestly? I am tired. Having an 8 week old baby is taking it's toll..... I like sleep, and I am not getting enough of it.
During quiet/nap time, that day..... I thought about how different my life was. I am approaching what should be the downhill side of parenting.... the part that is mid-way..... I could just have 4 kids.... place them in schools.... and have many hours to myself, pursuing whatever I deem worthy of pursuing ..... it could be a notable, worthy cause, something that doesn't tax me, the way that parenting does.... Instead, we have chosen to have more children. Why?
All around me I see what our culture holds valuable..... Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness... and I get it. But because I am a believer of Jesus Christ, that just won't do. The pursuit of my own happiness, my own comfort, and the easy more pleasurable life..... just will not do. My life is not my own. Yes, I can choose to live my life the way that I want. But I choose not to. I choose to lay down my life.
It is difficult. I have parenting fails. But all my children are growing, just as much as me. We are all learning about apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Our Christian home does not mean that we are perfect, it means we admit our sin. It means we fear God.
Every time I think of why I should not have more than 4 kids, I can only come up with selfishness. It is easy to spend time doing what I want. It is difficult serving my children, teaching them, and not pursuing what I want..... daily. But each one of my children is the gift. They are the reason, I am here, not my own happiness. And truly, we have the room in our home, car, and lives for each of the children God has given us. But yes, it's not easy...... not at all... if it was, I may be inclined to take some credit.
Now on ward to some current events:
Our family has increased to 7, which is the reason for my lack of sleep. I got the call for Phin, a couple of days after we came home from vacationing with all the kids, in Seward. The crazy truth is that God had been preparing my heart for a little baby for a few months. Phin, is nothing what I expected (non of our permanent children are). I was praying for a non white girl, and Phin is a very white.... boy. So I have had to let go of that phantom child, that is not. He was 7 weeks..... and in need of a family to love him. He was super quiet that first day, and slept a lot.....Ureeka, I thought!!! Turns out, Phin, was not being fed sufficiently, so he was too tired to stay awake, and his cry was super weak. He is growing and chunking up! His case looks like it will not be complicated and that he will be adoptable. But they will still have to give his bio mom a chance. We wait, but have great hope.
Perhaps the most amazing update is regarding our girls. We have had a 7 year old and her half sister (who is 22 months), in our care for over a year now. It has been a very difficult and emotional journey. We have a new case worker and a new supervisor..... and the goal from the state's perspective is changing!!!!!! The goal has been reunification for the entire time, even with 3 failed reunification dates..... but on Tuesday, it will change to adoption!!! It must still change in court... which can take 4 months.... but...... for the first time, since we have had the girls.... there looks like a possibility to adopt them. And for that, we will celebrate. I will rejoice because the state is advocating for them. Tears well up, thinking about God's faithfulness...... to them... and to us.
And as we look for a new car, and I reflect on our journey as foster parents.... I can smile, with a deep, deep, sigh...... I have no clue what will happen.... but there is a very real possibility that we may be at the home stretch. It makes me feel a little sentimental.
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A few days ago, I had a bad day. One of those days where everything and everyone seems to take and take, and not much is giving (except for maybe that cup of coffee). I found out that my 6th grader had been cheating on his math for months (and consequently, he could not tell me where the place values were for a number), that my daughter, who is perfectly competent in math, was not willing to try, I had another child bother me incessantly to change the "no electronics during the week" rule, also a toddler whining, and newborn fussing, mixed in with screaming....... it was one of "those" days. I finally did loose my cool and did yell at my pestering son, because I wanted to do the bible study with my girlfriends who had just showed up, at my home(the irony is not lost on me)... only to have the person that transports our girls to visits... show up..... it was a parenting fail. Honestly? I am tired. Having an 8 week old baby is taking it's toll..... I like sleep, and I am not getting enough of it.
During quiet/nap time, that day..... I thought about how different my life was. I am approaching what should be the downhill side of parenting.... the part that is mid-way..... I could just have 4 kids.... place them in schools.... and have many hours to myself, pursuing whatever I deem worthy of pursuing ..... it could be a notable, worthy cause, something that doesn't tax me, the way that parenting does.... Instead, we have chosen to have more children. Why?
All around me I see what our culture holds valuable..... Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness... and I get it. But because I am a believer of Jesus Christ, that just won't do. The pursuit of my own happiness, my own comfort, and the easy more pleasurable life..... just will not do. My life is not my own. Yes, I can choose to live my life the way that I want. But I choose not to. I choose to lay down my life.
It is difficult. I have parenting fails. But all my children are growing, just as much as me. We are all learning about apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Our Christian home does not mean that we are perfect, it means we admit our sin. It means we fear God.
Every time I think of why I should not have more than 4 kids, I can only come up with selfishness. It is easy to spend time doing what I want. It is difficult serving my children, teaching them, and not pursuing what I want..... daily. But each one of my children is the gift. They are the reason, I am here, not my own happiness. And truly, we have the room in our home, car, and lives for each of the children God has given us. But yes, it's not easy...... not at all... if it was, I may be inclined to take some credit.
Now on ward to some current events:
Our family has increased to 7, which is the reason for my lack of sleep. I got the call for Phin, a couple of days after we came home from vacationing with all the kids, in Seward. The crazy truth is that God had been preparing my heart for a little baby for a few months. Phin, is nothing what I expected (non of our permanent children are). I was praying for a non white girl, and Phin is a very white.... boy. So I have had to let go of that phantom child, that is not. He was 7 weeks..... and in need of a family to love him. He was super quiet that first day, and slept a lot.....Ureeka, I thought!!! Turns out, Phin, was not being fed sufficiently, so he was too tired to stay awake, and his cry was super weak. He is growing and chunking up! His case looks like it will not be complicated and that he will be adoptable. But they will still have to give his bio mom a chance. We wait, but have great hope.
Perhaps the most amazing update is regarding our girls. We have had a 7 year old and her half sister (who is 22 months), in our care for over a year now. It has been a very difficult and emotional journey. We have a new case worker and a new supervisor..... and the goal from the state's perspective is changing!!!!!! The goal has been reunification for the entire time, even with 3 failed reunification dates..... but on Tuesday, it will change to adoption!!! It must still change in court... which can take 4 months.... but...... for the first time, since we have had the girls.... there looks like a possibility to adopt them. And for that, we will celebrate. I will rejoice because the state is advocating for them. Tears well up, thinking about God's faithfulness...... to them... and to us.
And as we look for a new car, and I reflect on our journey as foster parents.... I can smile, with a deep, deep, sigh...... I have no clue what will happen.... but there is a very real possibility that we may be at the home stretch. It makes me feel a little sentimental.
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Thursday, June 25, 2015
Bring On The Rain
For the past 4 days, we have been living in a camp fire..... literally. There are so many things about living in Alaska that are unique. One of the unique things is that in the summer, our state burns up. There are currently over 100 fires in our state. And those fires have engulfed our air with smoke. It is wretched and pretty nasty. I would like it to stop. Please, bring on the rain... no lightning please. That is how some of this mess started.
It's been several months, so much has, and continues to happen in our home, family, and lives. One of the most significant is that our girls remain with us. The goal remains reunification, but there is no date set for that to happen. Nothing looms over our home.... just uncertainty for them, and as a result, us. We are approaching the one year anniversary of their arrival, and I must say, that there is something powerful about one year. For me, after a year, my guards, which are pretty strong and resistant, come down. I no longer keep the children, emotionally, at arms length. I can no longer picture our home without these two girls in it. I am not sure any of us, including the girls, would survive a permanent separation. The thought breaks my heart into million of pieces. No matter how much The Lord grows me up in my walk, I find myself trying to barter with God for these children to remain. I plead not just with a broken heart.... but approach Him with a "let's make a deal" attitude. Am I alone in this? It's pretty embarrassing to admit. Here is a loving and good God who says to His children.... come, and talk to me..... and I, mostly wait, till I need something.... and I come with the notion that I may have something to offer...... and really, my pleading is often times, for my own heart, not to break again. He hears... He listens..... He comforts... He is faithful..... But He does not play "let's make a deal" with me.
Right there, next to the drama that surrounds our case with the girls..... is a life changing even that occurred on Friday June, 19th......I wondered if some of the crazy that I felt over the case with the girls, would somehow overshadow the complete joy and miracle that had finally arrived... the adoption of our son. As I share this, tears flow, freely. I don't deserve this little one's love, but he has chosen to give it to me. He is our son.....IT IS LEGAL..... though he has been in our home, for almost two years.... adoption day is really a miracle. It is the difference between being engaged, and having the ceremony, signing the paperwork... standing before an official... and making it legal!! Being married, is way better. And in my heart, there is the assurance that he is ours. We have many bumps in the road, but he wants to be ours. He accepts and has taken his place boldly, much to his older sister's disapproval (our 7 year old is not adopted, so the day was full of many emotions for her, and sometimes, she seems to demand that he acknowledge her in the hierarchy of birth order). The day was full of many friends and some family..... Our church family stepped in and blessed us, simply by sharing the day. There is this strong desire to have your child, who came in with much brokenness.... see, visually, how very much they are loved..... and it was beautiful. We finished the day with a BBQ. The kids all waded in the kiddy pool, played on the swings, and snuck in a zip line ride.
Oh, and we also had two more kiddo's join our home, right after court. They are not permanent. They should be quite temporary. And we are all adjusting to 8. Sleeping is a tad bit touch and go.... there is a lot of repeating and food issues galore....I am praying for these littles.... the first few weeks are traumatizing, with just them being away from everything they know and that is familiar. They are effected.... and I have no answers for them. And we now have to use 2 cars, if we want to go anywhere.
Also, we may be getting licensed through TCC.... to take in placements. It would mean, instead of going and dealing with the state. We would be dealing with the tribes directly. We know we are not the preferred placement, but I wonder, if dealing with the tribes, is the better idea!!! Will let you know................. Pin It Now!
It's been several months, so much has, and continues to happen in our home, family, and lives. One of the most significant is that our girls remain with us. The goal remains reunification, but there is no date set for that to happen. Nothing looms over our home.... just uncertainty for them, and as a result, us. We are approaching the one year anniversary of their arrival, and I must say, that there is something powerful about one year. For me, after a year, my guards, which are pretty strong and resistant, come down. I no longer keep the children, emotionally, at arms length. I can no longer picture our home without these two girls in it. I am not sure any of us, including the girls, would survive a permanent separation. The thought breaks my heart into million of pieces. No matter how much The Lord grows me up in my walk, I find myself trying to barter with God for these children to remain. I plead not just with a broken heart.... but approach Him with a "let's make a deal" attitude. Am I alone in this? It's pretty embarrassing to admit. Here is a loving and good God who says to His children.... come, and talk to me..... and I, mostly wait, till I need something.... and I come with the notion that I may have something to offer...... and really, my pleading is often times, for my own heart, not to break again. He hears... He listens..... He comforts... He is faithful..... But He does not play "let's make a deal" with me.
Right there, next to the drama that surrounds our case with the girls..... is a life changing even that occurred on Friday June, 19th......I wondered if some of the crazy that I felt over the case with the girls, would somehow overshadow the complete joy and miracle that had finally arrived... the adoption of our son. As I share this, tears flow, freely. I don't deserve this little one's love, but he has chosen to give it to me. He is our son.....IT IS LEGAL..... though he has been in our home, for almost two years.... adoption day is really a miracle. It is the difference between being engaged, and having the ceremony, signing the paperwork... standing before an official... and making it legal!! Being married, is way better. And in my heart, there is the assurance that he is ours. We have many bumps in the road, but he wants to be ours. He accepts and has taken his place boldly, much to his older sister's disapproval (our 7 year old is not adopted, so the day was full of many emotions for her, and sometimes, she seems to demand that he acknowledge her in the hierarchy of birth order). The day was full of many friends and some family..... Our church family stepped in and blessed us, simply by sharing the day. There is this strong desire to have your child, who came in with much brokenness.... see, visually, how very much they are loved..... and it was beautiful. We finished the day with a BBQ. The kids all waded in the kiddy pool, played on the swings, and snuck in a zip line ride.
Oh, and we also had two more kiddo's join our home, right after court. They are not permanent. They should be quite temporary. And we are all adjusting to 8. Sleeping is a tad bit touch and go.... there is a lot of repeating and food issues galore....I am praying for these littles.... the first few weeks are traumatizing, with just them being away from everything they know and that is familiar. They are effected.... and I have no answers for them. And we now have to use 2 cars, if we want to go anywhere.
Also, we may be getting licensed through TCC.... to take in placements. It would mean, instead of going and dealing with the state. We would be dealing with the tribes directly. We know we are not the preferred placement, but I wonder, if dealing with the tribes, is the better idea!!! Will let you know................. Pin It Now!
Friday, May 15, 2015
I'd Really Love to See You, Tonight
It has been a rough few months for me emotionally. I went on a date with my husband, last night (Gasp, I know!!). He looked at me, as I was just sharing how hard it has been to just get out of bed! It is hard to face the day, everyday.... and I can't peg when this became a struggle. It didn't happen just one day... Boom! But I feel like I should know why, and when, and certainly, how to make the struggle end. But I do not know.
As Toby shared with me his own struggle, he looked at me and said "it's ever since we said goodbye to K" and that idea has been rolling over in my head today. Has it really been since then? He seems to think that we haven't grieved properly, and that is the cause of the emotional lead, that leads me to dread each day. But I am not sure that I know how to grieve properly. How do I MAKE myself process a loss that I can justify, in my head..... but still ache for in my heart? And I wonder if I loved her properly? As I was washing the dishes today, I wondered if she still drooled when she got mad and cried....I know that it's such a weird thing to think about... but it was distinct... it was her! I wonder what her life is like.... if she is loved....I believe she is! But sometimes, I wonder, still. This is the part of foster care that makes people run..... but life is full of loss, you can't out run that.
So we face another immanent loss looming before us. We were supposed to say goodbye to the two girls that we have had for 9 months now, twice. Yet tonight, they sleep in our home, safely. The girls have been through an emotional beating, as the back and forth, and back and forth, have taken a toll.... without reunification. Honestly? I am tired!!! I am ill equipped for dealing with the effects. I need prayer. There is a review call in a few days regarding this case. I am essentially just going to be asked "how are the girls?"..... and I want to say the right words, I want to honor God, and not just say whatever I want, or speak out of my frustration, and anger. I want to convey the damage of the uncertainty in these girl's lives, after 9 months in care. At 9 months, this case is a mess. I have no answers but the back and forth can not be, the way it has been. I hold my 7 year old, while she cries, having no answers. She cries because we "leave her out", when she is not with us. She cries because she "does not remember". She cries because she doesn't know, and I think really that is as honest as it will ever get. But it could be so much worse. She could be acting out.... instead, she feels. both girls are a bottomless pit of needs. So much need for safety, love, constant affirmation, hugs, more affirmation, and yet, more hugs..... and I love you's, which I echo back. I know this is truly a gift, but some days, my eyes are blurry and I can't see that gift.
Every part can be difficult, but that hope... the strong desire, for the kids, that I know God will put in our home..... that doesn't fade. I have moments of wanting it to all go away, but they are moments. If I got a call tomorrow, asking for us to take another case on...I would. This may be a strength... or it may be a weakness.... it depends on the day. Pin It Now!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
And Just Like That It Will All Change
I am much more calm on paper. My friends, especially the close ones, can tell you that I tend to me much more intense when you meet me in person. In fact, you will either like me, or strongly dislike me..... fun fact, every single one of my closest friends throughout my life did NOT like me, when we first met.... turns out that the joke was on them, cause they all very much loved me, in time.
I say this because I really lost it when I received news regarding our 2 foster daughter's case (Sorry Ashley for the "colorful" descriptive words I used when I found out the news). We foster parents can all unanimously agree that visits are the most challenging part of having foster kiddos. No matter how strong of a bond you build, or how safe and constant their lives become.... visits remind everyone that you are not a family. I do not mean this in a cruel or unkind way. But no typical family has to stop, then switch realities. There's flow and rhythm to a home, and a family. It is interrupted constantly with foster care. But with reunification.... the visits get longer and the overnights come.... which all lead to what the goal is always for kids in foster care... that they go back into a safer more capable bio family, situation. BUT, what if that goal cannot be accomplished. What if it's not in the best interest of the child? Then those visits are worst than the pits. And what if there's a new development that interrupts the reunification date? This is where our family and these two girls are.... it's called limbo. I am not fond of limbo. I very much like to what is going to happen next.... especially when it comes to my family.
But my life, my house, my time, my heart, and my mouth..... are not my own. As I follow Jesus, He slowly takes everything, and replaces it with Himself. So there is much uncertainty in a case that was supposed to move out of our care in 3 days. With foster care, everything can change. I do not know what will happen, but I am praying with all my heart, that everyone involved will think of and do what is best for these girls. Sometimes, the cases become about the parents... and the workers involved begin to think they are the heroes in these biological parents stories.... and things drag on longer than they need to.... at the expense of the kid's well being (btw, I have enjoyed dealing with every single one of the 16 kid's social workers).
Every child deserves to know where they belong. They deserve to know, without a shadow of a doubt, who it is that will protect, guide, defend, listen to, and love them. They need to know that there are people who are for them. We all long to find our place, the place we belong ..... children need that, as much as food, from birth. Kids in the system show you how devastating the disruption of meeting that need is..... or worse, they show you the faces of those who never had the need met, since birth. It does something to a child, to not have that. So we wait. Our girls and our family are in God's hands. I wonder what God's up to. Pin It Now!
I say this because I really lost it when I received news regarding our 2 foster daughter's case (Sorry Ashley for the "colorful" descriptive words I used when I found out the news). We foster parents can all unanimously agree that visits are the most challenging part of having foster kiddos. No matter how strong of a bond you build, or how safe and constant their lives become.... visits remind everyone that you are not a family. I do not mean this in a cruel or unkind way. But no typical family has to stop, then switch realities. There's flow and rhythm to a home, and a family. It is interrupted constantly with foster care. But with reunification.... the visits get longer and the overnights come.... which all lead to what the goal is always for kids in foster care... that they go back into a safer more capable bio family, situation. BUT, what if that goal cannot be accomplished. What if it's not in the best interest of the child? Then those visits are worst than the pits. And what if there's a new development that interrupts the reunification date? This is where our family and these two girls are.... it's called limbo. I am not fond of limbo. I very much like to what is going to happen next.... especially when it comes to my family.
But my life, my house, my time, my heart, and my mouth..... are not my own. As I follow Jesus, He slowly takes everything, and replaces it with Himself. So there is much uncertainty in a case that was supposed to move out of our care in 3 days. With foster care, everything can change. I do not know what will happen, but I am praying with all my heart, that everyone involved will think of and do what is best for these girls. Sometimes, the cases become about the parents... and the workers involved begin to think they are the heroes in these biological parents stories.... and things drag on longer than they need to.... at the expense of the kid's well being (btw, I have enjoyed dealing with every single one of the 16 kid's social workers).
Every child deserves to know where they belong. They deserve to know, without a shadow of a doubt, who it is that will protect, guide, defend, listen to, and love them. They need to know that there are people who are for them. We all long to find our place, the place we belong ..... children need that, as much as food, from birth. Kids in the system show you how devastating the disruption of meeting that need is..... or worse, they show you the faces of those who never had the need met, since birth. It does something to a child, to not have that. So we wait. Our girls and our family are in God's hands. I wonder what God's up to. Pin It Now!
Sunday, February 22, 2015
The Romance is Over
I went out with an awesome group of women friends the other night. Never mind that I was over an hour late because I had to hustle to bring my brood back from swim lessons, and my hubby insisted that I make a smoothie for my oldest, before I headed out (in desperate need of a shower). I made it! I was able to connect with beautiful mothers that I rarely get to. It was great, and rejuvenating. A couple of conversations spawned up about adoption. So, of course, I had a difficult time keeping my ever yapping, mouth, shut.
But the talking from a few nights ago, got me to thinking about how easy it is to romanticize adoption. It's what I did. I had the whole sad, but beautiful story, already written in my mind, long before we actually pursued adoption. It was tragically moving. The children were wounded but grateful to finally have a family, and be loved. On and on it went. But reality went nothing like my little romanticized world.
The truth is that adoption is messy!! No matter the route you go. In foster care, it's even more messy. I have been in the thick of it. I have had to try to let my pride get squashed. Let go of any decency that I expect from rational human beings. I have had to say goodbye to expectations. All the while trusting in God and being reminded, daily, that my life is not my own. It is a daily death. I throw internal fits before Him, constantly.
As we reunify our 2 girls, I feel like I am being stretched to the max. I would like to give up on the whole situation. I do not want to be kind and eat dirt, before their biological mother. This is the truth, so the accolade of how great I am, really are not accurate. I have no love of Christ for the woman who is currently making my whole being cringe. I have no compassion and very little understanding. I have to continuously ignore texts and not respond to constant internal buttons being pushed. It is not natural. It is not normal. What is normal is to let her know exactly how I see the whole ridiculous matter, but I cannot.
Our house is in emotional shambles. We are terrible at saying goodbye. It doesn't come easy or naturally. I cry. And I am not even sure how I would like the story to end, for the girls, for their mother, or for our family. I just know that I do not like today, well actually, Monday. When the whole chaos begins of them teeter tottering back from our home to hers.
Eventually the pain will lessen. I have learned that is true. But the dull ache will never disappear. I ache for the little girl that we said goodbye to 3 months ago. I miss her. Our kids will tell me they miss her, at random parts of our mundane day. All I can say is, I miss her too.
The thing about our adoption story is that one day....I will be able to reflect on this entry.... with remembrance of the painful journey. But there will be Joy. It is just how it always works with God's children. The painful events of this life are meant to declare Him faithful. To make Him shine. His Glory to be magnified. "She cried out to her God, and when all seemed hopeless and she looked foolish...... He answered".... That will be the last chapter in my story. I truly believe that. Not because I am worthy.... but because He is good.
So the romance is over. I am tired, all over. Pin It Now!
But the talking from a few nights ago, got me to thinking about how easy it is to romanticize adoption. It's what I did. I had the whole sad, but beautiful story, already written in my mind, long before we actually pursued adoption. It was tragically moving. The children were wounded but grateful to finally have a family, and be loved. On and on it went. But reality went nothing like my little romanticized world.
The truth is that adoption is messy!! No matter the route you go. In foster care, it's even more messy. I have been in the thick of it. I have had to try to let my pride get squashed. Let go of any decency that I expect from rational human beings. I have had to say goodbye to expectations. All the while trusting in God and being reminded, daily, that my life is not my own. It is a daily death. I throw internal fits before Him, constantly.
As we reunify our 2 girls, I feel like I am being stretched to the max. I would like to give up on the whole situation. I do not want to be kind and eat dirt, before their biological mother. This is the truth, so the accolade of how great I am, really are not accurate. I have no love of Christ for the woman who is currently making my whole being cringe. I have no compassion and very little understanding. I have to continuously ignore texts and not respond to constant internal buttons being pushed. It is not natural. It is not normal. What is normal is to let her know exactly how I see the whole ridiculous matter, but I cannot.
Our house is in emotional shambles. We are terrible at saying goodbye. It doesn't come easy or naturally. I cry. And I am not even sure how I would like the story to end, for the girls, for their mother, or for our family. I just know that I do not like today, well actually, Monday. When the whole chaos begins of them teeter tottering back from our home to hers.
Eventually the pain will lessen. I have learned that is true. But the dull ache will never disappear. I ache for the little girl that we said goodbye to 3 months ago. I miss her. Our kids will tell me they miss her, at random parts of our mundane day. All I can say is, I miss her too.
The thing about our adoption story is that one day....I will be able to reflect on this entry.... with remembrance of the painful journey. But there will be Joy. It is just how it always works with God's children. The painful events of this life are meant to declare Him faithful. To make Him shine. His Glory to be magnified. "She cried out to her God, and when all seemed hopeless and she looked foolish...... He answered".... That will be the last chapter in my story. I truly believe that. Not because I am worthy.... but because He is good.
So the romance is over. I am tired, all over. Pin It Now!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Prayers Answered in a Day
Today was kind of tough. I should have done more school with the kids, and they probably should have been sent outside. Instead I became a referee all day. My two boys and the two girls could not resolve squabbles all day. I did.
This morning I had more questions than I have this evening. We have had a little boy for the past month. He has another home that he should be going to with his teenage mother. We've done the whole teenager and child foster care, and it's not a good fit for our family. A friend of ours, though, is willing to open up her home, so she was emergency licensed today. I found out that he should transition into her home either today (obviously not) or tomorrow. I am hoping for something more stable for the little guy.
But perhaps, the most unexpected news is that the two girls we've been fostering for the past 6 months, are going to be transitioning into their mother's care in the next few weeks! There is a clear time table, and date even!! This is what I have been praying for, but as is the norm, I have a lot of mixed emotions over the process. The girls deserve to be with their mom , if she can parent. And truly the answer will only be answered sufficiently, by reunification.
I will need prayer. My desire is to support this mother, with all that I can. And my hope is that we can maintain communication with the girls. Lord willing. It just is not simple or easy. I have had birthmothers that I have loved instantly, with this mother it is has been touch and go. I do believe that she truly loves her girls and she has done everything that has been asked of her. She has earned this chance.
But the idea of our home going from 7 kids to 4, is strange. We'll see what God has planned, after today, I can say, I have no idea. But I know that He is good and faithful. This I know
Tonight, the weight of all the shifting makes me tired. I find myself at the mercy of my Jesus. Foster care is nothing like anything you picture. The kids are always different than the kids you picture in your head. I'm not even sure if it's a conscious thing I do, picturing them, but I do.
I am dealing with each case one at a time. We will say goodbye to the little guy in the next few days, maybe even tomorrow. I will focus our attention on reunifying the girls, and giving all the support we know to. I am gearing up for a roller coaster ride of emotions for the next month. And then we will focus on our adoption of Silas.
Silas' case just got transferred to the adoption specialist. Our final adoptions day should be a matter of months I am starting to plan for it, as one plans for a wedding). Will we take any placements during this time? I don't think we will take any while we transition the two girls. And maybe after they are gone, we'll take a few weeks to breath, and do something as a family. But our local office knows that we would like to adopt. They know our preferences and so if we get a call for something permanent, I'm taking it as a queue from God. But if not, it will be a much needed rest for our home. Only time and God know. Pin It Now!
This morning I had more questions than I have this evening. We have had a little boy for the past month. He has another home that he should be going to with his teenage mother. We've done the whole teenager and child foster care, and it's not a good fit for our family. A friend of ours, though, is willing to open up her home, so she was emergency licensed today. I found out that he should transition into her home either today (obviously not) or tomorrow. I am hoping for something more stable for the little guy.
But perhaps, the most unexpected news is that the two girls we've been fostering for the past 6 months, are going to be transitioning into their mother's care in the next few weeks! There is a clear time table, and date even!! This is what I have been praying for, but as is the norm, I have a lot of mixed emotions over the process. The girls deserve to be with their mom , if she can parent. And truly the answer will only be answered sufficiently, by reunification.
I will need prayer. My desire is to support this mother, with all that I can. And my hope is that we can maintain communication with the girls. Lord willing. It just is not simple or easy. I have had birthmothers that I have loved instantly, with this mother it is has been touch and go. I do believe that she truly loves her girls and she has done everything that has been asked of her. She has earned this chance.
But the idea of our home going from 7 kids to 4, is strange. We'll see what God has planned, after today, I can say, I have no idea. But I know that He is good and faithful. This I know
Tonight, the weight of all the shifting makes me tired. I find myself at the mercy of my Jesus. Foster care is nothing like anything you picture. The kids are always different than the kids you picture in your head. I'm not even sure if it's a conscious thing I do, picturing them, but I do.
I am dealing with each case one at a time. We will say goodbye to the little guy in the next few days, maybe even tomorrow. I will focus our attention on reunifying the girls, and giving all the support we know to. I am gearing up for a roller coaster ride of emotions for the next month. And then we will focus on our adoption of Silas.
Silas' case just got transferred to the adoption specialist. Our final adoptions day should be a matter of months I am starting to plan for it, as one plans for a wedding). Will we take any placements during this time? I don't think we will take any while we transition the two girls. And maybe after they are gone, we'll take a few weeks to breath, and do something as a family. But our local office knows that we would like to adopt. They know our preferences and so if we get a call for something permanent, I'm taking it as a queue from God. But if not, it will be a much needed rest for our home. Only time and God know. Pin It Now!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
A Vacation
A New Year.
A New Month.
A New Week.
A New Day.
We are only given a numbered amount of these. Then we will die. The few that remember us, they too will go. I have never understood the person who is okay with us just dying and that is it. I simply cannot be okay, with that being it. It is not because I want anything more, it's because deep, deep within me, more real than my own sure death, I know that there is more..... why does that matter? Because it is that belief that births hope in me. The hope that allows me to preserve, when I want to stay in bed, because I am sad.
These past few days, I have realized my struggle with God. As I have struggled with being a foster parent. Struggled with this journey NOT being what I wanted. It has not looked neat, or sure, or fulfilling. It has been uncertain, messy, and difficult. I have had internal toddler fits, with my Maker. I have made demands and tried bartering (God I will _____ if you only allow us not say goodbye to ___), I have begged, and pleaded, reminding Him of my intentions!! (to grow our family).
I am not pretty on the inside. If you could read my thoughts, you would know, for certain, its true. So these past few months. I have been shown how much of my life is about me. And that is not what I want. I want Him. I want His will for our family. I can't compare the story He is writing in our family to the stories He's written in others. All my demands and fits get me nowhere, for He doesn't nudge, when He has a better plan. A plan better not just for me, but for everyone else involved.
So these past few days, have been days where I remind myself the true purpose of being foster parents. Obedience. Its been a time for repenting for bringing my motives and agenda to the table. Yes, I can voice our desire to adopt to our local office (much to their horror), but I still believe in God's true call and sovereignty over the children that are placed in our home! Who knows for how much longer, or what the result of the placements will be....
Our family took 6 of our kids with us to vacation. And when we came back we became a family with 7 kids, again.
Want to know something incredible that I get to witness? The little boy that we were not a good fit for that I wrote about? Well Mr. J found a more permanent placement with dear family of ours. And he is thriving! We get to see these great updates and see how God cares for these kids, better than we can.
I also received a few photos of our little girl, who is now out of state with her family. She is doing well. Her mom, who is still here, is living with family, and trying to get her little girl back. It made my heart sing to hear that not only is our baby doing well, but her mother is being loved on by the family, as well. Who knows how this story will be told?
We have a little toddler now, who is so very sweet. He won't be with us very long. But I am thankful that he is with us. He has a lot going on, and God is faithful to not put him back in the situation that he came from. There was talk of this being a. possibility. We will see what God does in his case.
Sometimes, God needs to remind me what is most important. The beginning of this year. I am glad He did.
Maybe loosing a child, after caring for them for a year, is what I needed to be reminded, that it really is, and has never been about me.
Pin It Now!
A New Month.
A New Week.
A New Day.
We are only given a numbered amount of these. Then we will die. The few that remember us, they too will go. I have never understood the person who is okay with us just dying and that is it. I simply cannot be okay, with that being it. It is not because I want anything more, it's because deep, deep within me, more real than my own sure death, I know that there is more..... why does that matter? Because it is that belief that births hope in me. The hope that allows me to preserve, when I want to stay in bed, because I am sad.
These past few days, I have realized my struggle with God. As I have struggled with being a foster parent. Struggled with this journey NOT being what I wanted. It has not looked neat, or sure, or fulfilling. It has been uncertain, messy, and difficult. I have had internal toddler fits, with my Maker. I have made demands and tried bartering (God I will _____ if you only allow us not say goodbye to ___), I have begged, and pleaded, reminding Him of my intentions!! (to grow our family).
I am not pretty on the inside. If you could read my thoughts, you would know, for certain, its true. So these past few months. I have been shown how much of my life is about me. And that is not what I want. I want Him. I want His will for our family. I can't compare the story He is writing in our family to the stories He's written in others. All my demands and fits get me nowhere, for He doesn't nudge, when He has a better plan. A plan better not just for me, but for everyone else involved.
So these past few days, have been days where I remind myself the true purpose of being foster parents. Obedience. Its been a time for repenting for bringing my motives and agenda to the table. Yes, I can voice our desire to adopt to our local office (much to their horror), but I still believe in God's true call and sovereignty over the children that are placed in our home! Who knows for how much longer, or what the result of the placements will be....
Our family took 6 of our kids with us to vacation. And when we came back we became a family with 7 kids, again.
Want to know something incredible that I get to witness? The little boy that we were not a good fit for that I wrote about? Well Mr. J found a more permanent placement with dear family of ours. And he is thriving! We get to see these great updates and see how God cares for these kids, better than we can.
I also received a few photos of our little girl, who is now out of state with her family. She is doing well. Her mom, who is still here, is living with family, and trying to get her little girl back. It made my heart sing to hear that not only is our baby doing well, but her mother is being loved on by the family, as well. Who knows how this story will be told?
We have a little toddler now, who is so very sweet. He won't be with us very long. But I am thankful that he is with us. He has a lot going on, and God is faithful to not put him back in the situation that he came from. There was talk of this being a. possibility. We will see what God does in his case.
Sometimes, God needs to remind me what is most important. The beginning of this year. I am glad He did.
Maybe loosing a child, after caring for them for a year, is what I needed to be reminded, that it really is, and has never been about me.
Pin It Now!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
There's a Key Called a Home Study
Early this summer, in an attempt to open more doors to grow our family, we hired someone to write up our home study. In adoption world, that means you have a golden ticket. You see, often times a home study is your beginning. I have seen couples who want to be foster parents have that be a part of their licensing requirements, but it is not so in Alaska. Here the licensing requires that you have a safe home (no poisonous plants, the windows are safe distance of the floor, etc.) and have reference, with a background fingerprinting done. If a child becomes available to adopt because they are in your care, and reunification is no longer the goal, then you will have a child specific home study done. That means that you can not use that home study for any other adoption or inquiry of children. It is the way it is.
I stopped perusing the completion of our private home study, after our home went from a family of 7 to a family of 9. The jump was a touch traumatic. I had a 10 month old and 16 month old, and was just beginning to homeschool the 4 oldest kids. So our home study took a back seat. But as I still try to wrap my heart around the permanency of saying goodbye to a little one.... I long to have a complete family. We will see if it's God's desire, also. There are sibling groups in other states that I have been praying about.
We got a new placement last Tuesday. He has been with us for 6 days. It has been a rocky adjustment. He is a sweet little guy, but I bet it has been a big change for him, also. Grooming has been a major issue. Baths, nail trimmings, and outfit changes are triggers. Also, our 4 year old is struggling with new placements. It's interesting because when T came to us about a year and a half ago, he was the sweetest most welcoming to all the placements that we had. He would welcome them, and play with each child, very sweetly. Not so, anymore. It seems now that he knows his permanent place is with us, anyone that comes too near, threatens this just acquired position (though he's had it for a while). So T is pretty emotional about sharing and being nice, to this new addition, that he never voted on, joining us. So I do not believe it will be a long term placement.
Tonight we have a full house. We have a family that is heading to a new post in Florida. They are friends from our church whom have become family. We have grown so much through this relationship, and the sadness from having to say goodbye is very real. I have realized how much goodbyes are a part of this side of eternity. I look forward to the other side, when I will no longer have to say goodbye.
We also have a dear friend whom we have adopted, staying with us. He now lives in Galena, now, which is a remote Alaskan village near the Yukon river.
We leave for vacation in 3 weeks!! I am soooo excited! No visits, no random calls to go to this or schedule that etch!!!! We will be a family!! This is something to be grateful for. Happy Thangsgiving everyone, from our family to yours. Pin It Now!
I stopped perusing the completion of our private home study, after our home went from a family of 7 to a family of 9. The jump was a touch traumatic. I had a 10 month old and 16 month old, and was just beginning to homeschool the 4 oldest kids. So our home study took a back seat. But as I still try to wrap my heart around the permanency of saying goodbye to a little one.... I long to have a complete family. We will see if it's God's desire, also. There are sibling groups in other states that I have been praying about.
We got a new placement last Tuesday. He has been with us for 6 days. It has been a rocky adjustment. He is a sweet little guy, but I bet it has been a big change for him, also. Grooming has been a major issue. Baths, nail trimmings, and outfit changes are triggers. Also, our 4 year old is struggling with new placements. It's interesting because when T came to us about a year and a half ago, he was the sweetest most welcoming to all the placements that we had. He would welcome them, and play with each child, very sweetly. Not so, anymore. It seems now that he knows his permanent place is with us, anyone that comes too near, threatens this just acquired position (though he's had it for a while). So T is pretty emotional about sharing and being nice, to this new addition, that he never voted on, joining us. So I do not believe it will be a long term placement.
Tonight we have a full house. We have a family that is heading to a new post in Florida. They are friends from our church whom have become family. We have grown so much through this relationship, and the sadness from having to say goodbye is very real. I have realized how much goodbyes are a part of this side of eternity. I look forward to the other side, when I will no longer have to say goodbye.
We also have a dear friend whom we have adopted, staying with us. He now lives in Galena, now, which is a remote Alaskan village near the Yukon river.
We leave for vacation in 3 weeks!! I am soooo excited! No visits, no random calls to go to this or schedule that etch!!!! We will be a family!! This is something to be grateful for. Happy Thangsgiving everyone, from our family to yours. Pin It Now!
Friday, November 21, 2014
A Week Ago and meeting T
I think when you mourn, you do that mental timeline. A week ago today we said goodbye... two weeks ago, we still had her in our care. The time moving makes me aware, that even when I am mourning, life still goes on. I wonder and pray for our little one, a lot.
I am that much more grateful for the ones that are still with us, and the one, that I know will not ever leave us. Today, I had our little boy, whom we are adopting, we'll call him T, have a major break down. First let me describe T and tell you a little bit about our 4 year old little boy.
We got the call for little boy T in August of 2013. They didn't know his name, but we said yes. I jumped into our car and went to meet this chubby little boy who grunted and said "hey" to everyone. He was playing with a yellow truck, dressed in flimsy pants, a pull up, and lots of dirt all over his chubby body. This was the child God answered our prayers with. It was not what I expected! But I brought him home, gave him a shower and searched through bins with my boys' old clothes, to see, if by some miracle, I had some clothes that could fit, I found jammies!!! My kids and I settled in to watch a movie upstairs in my bedroom. Toby was in Valdez working, so I sent him a picture of our new addition. He laughed.....
I look back on the child we picked up and the past year and a half and marvel. Those first few months were hard..... for everyone involved. T was super speech delayed, in fact the most I've seen. He didn't know how to tell us what he wanted. He would wake up during the night screaming. It was pretty clear he was traumatized. At the time, I just assumed the trauma of being removed was the issue, so I naïvely thought they should place him back into his mother's care. Plus, remember? He wasn't what I expected. His case has been open for 15months. At 10 months, we knew the goal changed from reunification, to adoption. I know that so many foster mothers talk about their deep love for the children in their home. I wish I could say that I immediately fell in love, and the bond is immensely strong. But that would not be honest. My love for T has grown, but for a while there, I was not sure. He is my son. He has become a very dynamic child. I pray for his little heart.
T is also of Alaskan native decent. In fact, he is 100%. He is from a very remote and unique tribe. We are learning a lot, because we want him to be proud of who he is. His case involved a different set of rules, than just the state. Due to ICWA (indian child welfare act), we are not the preferred placement. His tribe and their requests are looked at with heavy weight, in the courtroom. T's tribe has approved his adoption, so that is a pretty miraculous thing.
Realizing that he was not properly cared for his first few years of life, is hard. I must remind myself, of this as his broken heart is finally, finally revealing itself. He is very much alive. He loves to laugh, and be outside. His ability to enjoy life, humbles me and my desire to control it. Everyone love T. But as his mother, I also see the residual effects of visits and abandonment. His desire to shut off his heart and push everyone away and feel sorry for himself. It worries me. I have had to pray about how to approach him, when he's in that stand offish place. He sabotages and manipulates, and this is a side, reserved solely for me. I am left with the mess, and am the scapegoat. I have hope, because God specifically chose us to raise him.
As we begin the home study and deal with the court dates, it's exciting and exhausting. He now is able to talk. T's still plenty delayed, but it's a night and day difference, since he has come to live with us.
If you ask any foster parent what the challenges are with being a foster parent, I think you will most likely hear on the top of the list, that the visits challenge us to no end. The visits remind me that I am at the mercy of someone else. They remind me that I pick up pieces. They remind me that my family is not our own. And the effects from having the visits, or having a no show, or rescheduling, are awful. So I wait, until T's visits are no more. I am praying and trying to figure out, how to love T's mother and still protect him from the abandonment that looms over his head, constantly.
I am grateful for the journey that has brought us T.
Pin It Now!
I am that much more grateful for the ones that are still with us, and the one, that I know will not ever leave us. Today, I had our little boy, whom we are adopting, we'll call him T, have a major break down. First let me describe T and tell you a little bit about our 4 year old little boy.
We got the call for little boy T in August of 2013. They didn't know his name, but we said yes. I jumped into our car and went to meet this chubby little boy who grunted and said "hey" to everyone. He was playing with a yellow truck, dressed in flimsy pants, a pull up, and lots of dirt all over his chubby body. This was the child God answered our prayers with. It was not what I expected! But I brought him home, gave him a shower and searched through bins with my boys' old clothes, to see, if by some miracle, I had some clothes that could fit, I found jammies!!! My kids and I settled in to watch a movie upstairs in my bedroom. Toby was in Valdez working, so I sent him a picture of our new addition. He laughed.....
I look back on the child we picked up and the past year and a half and marvel. Those first few months were hard..... for everyone involved. T was super speech delayed, in fact the most I've seen. He didn't know how to tell us what he wanted. He would wake up during the night screaming. It was pretty clear he was traumatized. At the time, I just assumed the trauma of being removed was the issue, so I naïvely thought they should place him back into his mother's care. Plus, remember? He wasn't what I expected. His case has been open for 15months. At 10 months, we knew the goal changed from reunification, to adoption. I know that so many foster mothers talk about their deep love for the children in their home. I wish I could say that I immediately fell in love, and the bond is immensely strong. But that would not be honest. My love for T has grown, but for a while there, I was not sure. He is my son. He has become a very dynamic child. I pray for his little heart.
T is also of Alaskan native decent. In fact, he is 100%. He is from a very remote and unique tribe. We are learning a lot, because we want him to be proud of who he is. His case involved a different set of rules, than just the state. Due to ICWA (indian child welfare act), we are not the preferred placement. His tribe and their requests are looked at with heavy weight, in the courtroom. T's tribe has approved his adoption, so that is a pretty miraculous thing.
Realizing that he was not properly cared for his first few years of life, is hard. I must remind myself, of this as his broken heart is finally, finally revealing itself. He is very much alive. He loves to laugh, and be outside. His ability to enjoy life, humbles me and my desire to control it. Everyone love T. But as his mother, I also see the residual effects of visits and abandonment. His desire to shut off his heart and push everyone away and feel sorry for himself. It worries me. I have had to pray about how to approach him, when he's in that stand offish place. He sabotages and manipulates, and this is a side, reserved solely for me. I am left with the mess, and am the scapegoat. I have hope, because God specifically chose us to raise him.
As we begin the home study and deal with the court dates, it's exciting and exhausting. He now is able to talk. T's still plenty delayed, but it's a night and day difference, since he has come to live with us.
If you ask any foster parent what the challenges are with being a foster parent, I think you will most likely hear on the top of the list, that the visits challenge us to no end. The visits remind me that I am at the mercy of someone else. They remind me that I pick up pieces. They remind me that my family is not our own. And the effects from having the visits, or having a no show, or rescheduling, are awful. So I wait, until T's visits are no more. I am praying and trying to figure out, how to love T's mother and still protect him from the abandonment that looms over his head, constantly.
I am grateful for the journey that has brought us T.
Pin It Now!
Saturday, November 15, 2014
The Life of Change
Life has evolved and changed. We had a litter of Goldendoodle puppies, this summer. My husband built a shed and redid our living room fireplace. It looks amazing, and heats our home dramatically more. We also took on 2 more children, bringing our total to 7 children. In the beginning of August we brought in 2 more girls, into our home. So we had a 10m, 16m. 4, 6,7,9,10 year olds in our family.
Yesterday that changed. The little girl that we got 11 months ago, left the state. We knew it was a very real possibility from the beginning. She had family that wanted her, out of state. But we had a connection to her mom because a cousin had adopted her sister and nephew. We became very attached and she began calling us mommy and daddy. The move would have been easier, if we believed she was going into a loving home. Her mom contested the placement. She took the case before a judge. We had the placement move draw out for a month. It was hard. I heard the judge say that he wanted to keep the child with us, but the law mandated that he place in a home where she was with biological family. Even after her mom took the stand and voiced her concerns, and fought to place her daughter, where she believed it would be best for her. It didn't matter. I cried. I cried that she could not say where her daughter should go. As I type this, I relieve the court scene. The trauma of hearing him say that they do this all the time. All the time?? That is awful!!
The next day, after we knew it was going to be our last moments with her, we were able to take our little girl to the state building, where we spent 2 hours with her mother, and us. Our kids played, we talked, and I left sobbing. I was able to thank her mother for letting us love her. I regret nothing. But it hurts. I can cry over the pain, easily. I miss her little chipmunk giggle. I miss her random screams. I miss her reaching for me. I miss her random "mommy" calls. I miss holding her. She would drool when she was mad, and crying.... and though I never thought I would say this.... I miss that too.
I decided to write, because it has always helped. And today, the day after we said goodbye, I need something to help. I still hold out a glimmer of hope, that something miraculous can happen.... and maybe she'll come back to us.... maybe. God has been known to part waters for His children. Who knows?
Until then, I am going to try to have our independent home study completed. We started it, many months back. We are also in the beginning of getting our home study to adopt our first son. It has been a long journey. But I know that it could have been a lot more rocky, than it has been. I will write about our journey with him, next time. Pin It Now!
Yesterday that changed. The little girl that we got 11 months ago, left the state. We knew it was a very real possibility from the beginning. She had family that wanted her, out of state. But we had a connection to her mom because a cousin had adopted her sister and nephew. We became very attached and she began calling us mommy and daddy. The move would have been easier, if we believed she was going into a loving home. Her mom contested the placement. She took the case before a judge. We had the placement move draw out for a month. It was hard. I heard the judge say that he wanted to keep the child with us, but the law mandated that he place in a home where she was with biological family. Even after her mom took the stand and voiced her concerns, and fought to place her daughter, where she believed it would be best for her. It didn't matter. I cried. I cried that she could not say where her daughter should go. As I type this, I relieve the court scene. The trauma of hearing him say that they do this all the time. All the time?? That is awful!!
The next day, after we knew it was going to be our last moments with her, we were able to take our little girl to the state building, where we spent 2 hours with her mother, and us. Our kids played, we talked, and I left sobbing. I was able to thank her mother for letting us love her. I regret nothing. But it hurts. I can cry over the pain, easily. I miss her little chipmunk giggle. I miss her random screams. I miss her reaching for me. I miss her random "mommy" calls. I miss holding her. She would drool when she was mad, and crying.... and though I never thought I would say this.... I miss that too.
I decided to write, because it has always helped. And today, the day after we said goodbye, I need something to help. I still hold out a glimmer of hope, that something miraculous can happen.... and maybe she'll come back to us.... maybe. God has been known to part waters for His children. Who knows?
Until then, I am going to try to have our independent home study completed. We started it, many months back. We are also in the beginning of getting our home study to adopt our first son. It has been a long journey. But I know that it could have been a lot more rocky, than it has been. I will write about our journey with him, next time. Pin It Now!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Foster Parenting, Summer, and Homeschooling?
I actually had to look back and read my previous post....Just to catch up, myself. A lot has changed in the months since November. We had the holidays. In the months of Oct-Nov. we had 7 different children in our home. It was kinda crazy. We took in another teenager. Our final attempt at that. We learned a lot. Basically, our kids safety mattered, but more than safety.....the feel of our home.....that is important. The ability to come home and have a safe haven, a safe place, a place that is protected, a place that we can rest.....that is more important that a bunch of other things. Why? well because you can't really grow, unless you have some of those things. Who needs to grow in our home? Well, all of us. Especially, me. So our family's experience fostering the young adults is that this is the very area that is effected, so my husband, has said a firm no to the teenagers. There is a tremendous need, and maybe someday we will be able to, but it's not today.
Our house settled down in Dec. The revolving door of placements came to a halt in Dec. We had a baby come into our life. Now, I always thought I never wanted to go back to the little baby stage, ever, again. I was wrong. It appears that the baby, who is now really becoming a toddler, may not be with us much longer. It is a roller coaster of a ride. Many highs, and many lows. I have grown leaps and bounds, during this process.
I was looking around for blogs about homeschooling christian families who are also foster parents. Not sure if I'm just not typing the right words, but there just doesn't seem to be many. Oh yah, I haven't discussed that, yet.
It may be premature of me to mention, but I am in constant prayer about homeschooling my kids. All my kids. Last year, well this year, since we are technically at the end of it (2 more days to go), my life looked like this. We have 3 biological kids, the oldest, I homeschooled. the 2 younger ones go to a montessori charter school, then I had 1 child that went to speech 3 times a week, whom also had many dentists appointments :) We also got a baby, who had a lot of doctor appointment, and then there's NAPS. Mess with naps, well, mess with sanity in the house! I also was able to participate in a bible study that required my tuesday and thursday mornings. Mix in responsibilities as a foster parent...and well, it was a lot to cram in a year. I know that it was God who sustained me. I know it.
And perhaps, if I had not seen how dramatically my relationship with my son changed, I would not be considering homeschooling all of them. But it did, and I am. My younger kids go to a great school. I have been grateful for the school that they have. But there's this nagging feeling that I have, and it's growing......and it has to do with time, connection, and learning. It goes something like this I don't have very much time with them! they are gone pretty much all week, the weekends go too quickly, so as a result, my connection is faint, especially with my beautiful daughter. And then there's character, I want to teach them that. I need to be the one teaching them that. And I have failed them miserably at teaching that. I have kinda just let it come up, but have not initiated that learning and teaching in my home. Pin It Now!
Our house settled down in Dec. The revolving door of placements came to a halt in Dec. We had a baby come into our life. Now, I always thought I never wanted to go back to the little baby stage, ever, again. I was wrong. It appears that the baby, who is now really becoming a toddler, may not be with us much longer. It is a roller coaster of a ride. Many highs, and many lows. I have grown leaps and bounds, during this process.
I was looking around for blogs about homeschooling christian families who are also foster parents. Not sure if I'm just not typing the right words, but there just doesn't seem to be many. Oh yah, I haven't discussed that, yet.
It may be premature of me to mention, but I am in constant prayer about homeschooling my kids. All my kids. Last year, well this year, since we are technically at the end of it (2 more days to go), my life looked like this. We have 3 biological kids, the oldest, I homeschooled. the 2 younger ones go to a montessori charter school, then I had 1 child that went to speech 3 times a week, whom also had many dentists appointments :) We also got a baby, who had a lot of doctor appointment, and then there's NAPS. Mess with naps, well, mess with sanity in the house! I also was able to participate in a bible study that required my tuesday and thursday mornings. Mix in responsibilities as a foster parent...and well, it was a lot to cram in a year. I know that it was God who sustained me. I know it.
And perhaps, if I had not seen how dramatically my relationship with my son changed, I would not be considering homeschooling all of them. But it did, and I am. My younger kids go to a great school. I have been grateful for the school that they have. But there's this nagging feeling that I have, and it's growing......and it has to do with time, connection, and learning. It goes something like this I don't have very much time with them! they are gone pretty much all week, the weekends go too quickly, so as a result, my connection is faint, especially with my beautiful daughter. And then there's character, I want to teach them that. I need to be the one teaching them that. And I have failed them miserably at teaching that. I have kinda just let it come up, but have not initiated that learning and teaching in my home. Pin It Now!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Paleo Vegan Pumpkin Spice Drink with a Call for Foster Parents on the Side
We are rounding out a almost a year of being a foster home, and I wanted to take a blog and write about it. I don't write too much about all the different kiddos or stituations that we are involved in, because, obviously, privacy issues. But I wanted to give it the attention that it deserves. The "it", is really just being a foster parent.
Sometimes I want to cheer people into becoming foster parents, but really, that isn't how we came about becoming ones, ourselves. I was most influenced by my family. I have an incredible cousin who showed me what a foster parent looks like. She has been a refuge and her life has been inspiring to me. I also have a beautiful sister in law, who adopted a sibling group of 5, out of the foster care system in California. These two families have influenced our decision to travel down an often scary and uncertain journey.
Let me start out by saying honestly, I am not a great mom. I loose my cool, I yell, am super impatient, and I struggle just talking nice when things don't go the way I think they should. I lean a lot on Jesus, I repent, and ask for forgiveness, throughout my day. I cry. I have often thought that I cannot be a good mother, due to my weaknesses. But the Lord has used these very weaknesses to show me His transforming power. Am I healed from any of my shortcomings? No, I still have them all....but now, now I have new life growing in me...a life that is stronger and more humble than my former self...a life that eats and drinks Christ.
So this is why I am a foster parent. Because my strength is Him. I am compelled to serve. I have rarely said no to a child/children coming into our home (I try to maintain a no kids older than my youngest biological, for everyone's safety), the reason is, because I feel like each situation comes to us from God.
Nothing has changed and challenged me more, than serving others.....serving little ones. I am amazed by this amazing gift that Toby and I have been given to have these kids in our home. It has made my kids more aware that they are not the center of the world. That some kids don't have what they take for granted (even though their mom yells, sometimes). I am blessed to see my kids step up and be kind and accept the kids that have been in our home.
Grant it, I would like to adopt. This is not the way I would have chosen to go about it (and yes, we're still going to adopt from Romania), but it is a better way than I could have ever imagined. I am convinced that I have gotten more from the kids, than they have gotten from us. How humbled I am that they would be in our home.
We will have a full house starting Sunday.....for us, that means 6 kids total. It's the amount that I can have in my car, and a huge mental jump for me, is going to a passenger van. I have no clue how long we will have the 3....but I trust that God will work out the details. It continues to amaze me, how situations come about in our life, simply because we said and continue to say yes.
On to the Pumpkin spice ....I don't know what to call it!! It's not a latte, or smoothie, or a hot chocolate.....anyways, it's a warm fall drink, except it is finally winter in alaska...so for all my intensive purposes, it's a winter sip
Pumpkin Spice Sipping Goodness
2c of cashews
8 pitted dates
7c of water
1/2c of nutmeg, allspice, cloves
2t of cinnamon
first soak your nuts and dates about 2 hours
while your nuts are soaking (I know, I know, giggling just never gets old on the matter)
get a nice pumpkin and cut and scoop the seeds, place the two halves facing up on a cookie sheet and bake for a half hour at 350......
cut up about 2 cups (however think you want your goodness) worth of cubes from the pumpkin and place all ingredients in vitamix...or
blender...enjoy!! and really think about the impact of being a foster parent.
Pin It Now!
Sometimes I want to cheer people into becoming foster parents, but really, that isn't how we came about becoming ones, ourselves. I was most influenced by my family. I have an incredible cousin who showed me what a foster parent looks like. She has been a refuge and her life has been inspiring to me. I also have a beautiful sister in law, who adopted a sibling group of 5, out of the foster care system in California. These two families have influenced our decision to travel down an often scary and uncertain journey.
Let me start out by saying honestly, I am not a great mom. I loose my cool, I yell, am super impatient, and I struggle just talking nice when things don't go the way I think they should. I lean a lot on Jesus, I repent, and ask for forgiveness, throughout my day. I cry. I have often thought that I cannot be a good mother, due to my weaknesses. But the Lord has used these very weaknesses to show me His transforming power. Am I healed from any of my shortcomings? No, I still have them all....but now, now I have new life growing in me...a life that is stronger and more humble than my former self...a life that eats and drinks Christ.
So this is why I am a foster parent. Because my strength is Him. I am compelled to serve. I have rarely said no to a child/children coming into our home (I try to maintain a no kids older than my youngest biological, for everyone's safety), the reason is, because I feel like each situation comes to us from God.
Nothing has changed and challenged me more, than serving others.....serving little ones. I am amazed by this amazing gift that Toby and I have been given to have these kids in our home. It has made my kids more aware that they are not the center of the world. That some kids don't have what they take for granted (even though their mom yells, sometimes). I am blessed to see my kids step up and be kind and accept the kids that have been in our home.
Grant it, I would like to adopt. This is not the way I would have chosen to go about it (and yes, we're still going to adopt from Romania), but it is a better way than I could have ever imagined. I am convinced that I have gotten more from the kids, than they have gotten from us. How humbled I am that they would be in our home.
We will have a full house starting Sunday.....for us, that means 6 kids total. It's the amount that I can have in my car, and a huge mental jump for me, is going to a passenger van. I have no clue how long we will have the 3....but I trust that God will work out the details. It continues to amaze me, how situations come about in our life, simply because we said and continue to say yes.
On to the Pumpkin spice ....I don't know what to call it!! It's not a latte, or smoothie, or a hot chocolate.....anyways, it's a warm fall drink, except it is finally winter in alaska...so for all my intensive purposes, it's a winter sip
Pumpkin Spice Sipping Goodness
2c of cashews
8 pitted dates7c of water
1/2c of nutmeg, allspice, cloves
2t of cinnamon
first soak your nuts and dates about 2 hours
get a nice pumpkin and cut and scoop the seeds, place the two halves facing up on a cookie sheet and bake for a half hour at 350......
cut up about 2 cups (however think you want your goodness) worth of cubes from the pumpkin and place all ingredients in vitamix...or
Pin It Now!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Kale chips, and Staying Current
I officially have a valid greencard (whew!!). I am waiting for the shiny new card, but in the meantime, I have my current card with an extended expiration date. This is a tiny step in the right direction, when it comes to adopting from Romania.
Speaking of which, we are emergency foster parenting these days. This has caused some confusion about our intent to adopt. Yes, we are planning on adopting from Romania....and, would love to be able to adopt out of the foster care system in Alaska. It is a mess. But I really feel like God will bring us the situations and kids and we'll just take them as they come. We have had a little guy with us for over a month. He's 3 and a doll. We're all smitten and watching to see what happens. It was supposed to be a temporary placement, but nothing is certain, is kinda the rule, with OCS. I have just started researching where his heritage is from and am completely fascinated with it! What a rich thing, to have a culture and a history that has a visible root (Americans kinda loose theirs). I want to learn everything, so I can teach him. So that he can be proud of how unique he is. He has adapted in our home well, but I know that the more comfortable he gets, the more he'll act like a 3 year old (Oiy!). So for now, we have 4 kids, running and playing, and squabbling....and laughing...and playing in the mud!
It has been really good for my youngest Zaya, to have a younger sibling. He is rising to the challenge of being a good role model, and adapting to the fact that He is not the youngest. It has been a positive change. Zaya finally has someone who listens to him.
Fall is fading quickly here. We had an incredible summer. The blueberries this years were absolutely incredible! I was able to pick 17 gallons! and though that sounds like a lot. It may last me through the winter. They are very precious to me (said in the Gullom voice). We had a swift fall, full of pretty much non stop rain. We were able to go out 4 wheeling and cranberry picking on Sunday for the first time in over a month. But it's supposed to be in the 20's in the next couple of days. YIKES! So today I harvested all the rest of my garden. I had beautiful potatoes and carrots (there were many bites in my carrots from voles! gggrrrrr) come up, that I will enjoy in the coming months. Grateful!
My adventures in homeschooling are moving along slowly. I cannot believe how behind Isaac is academically, for his grade. It took him 2 hours to attempt to copy a sentence today. And still it was something I had to help him do. On the positive side, he is doing awesome with the math curriculum that I got. It has him grouping and learning on the abacus, which he's a natural at! I can't tell you the elation that I get, seeing him "get it". We played a game of war with fractions....fractions?! and he was able to know that 3/4 beats 6/10..... Toby says I'm geeking out over the whole curriculum, and he may be right. He may be right.
So I am currently doing a 30 day paleo diet experiment. Why? To see if my body does well with it. I am switching out whole grains, for animal protein. As a vegan for 2 years, I have a few things that I have noticed. First, I have had an intense sugar addiction, that either was not there before, or I never noticed. I also struggle a lot with acid reflux. Considering how clean my diet has been, it always bugged me! The only answer I got was that my food combining was off. But seriously? Should there really be something else that I need to follow? Food should not be this land mine field of do's and don'ts. Ultimately, it's gotta be better living than that.
Because my garden is over, I harvested all my kale. I planted many, many kale plants, cause I heart kale. I use the leaves to make this, and the stems to juice. My favorite kale is the dinosaur variety. I am not a fan of the Russian variety. But to each, his own. Before making the sauce, be sure you have taken the stems off and cut the kale into chip sizes.
KALE CHIPS!
preheat oven to 350 or prepare dehydrator (I have never used the oven, so if someone does, please tell me how it comes out)
in a blender (or vitamix) mix together
1c hemp seeds
2/3c of water
1 red bell pepper
1T of chili powder
1T of lemon juice
1-2 cloves of garlic
something spicy (I put jalapenos, but this is optional!)
mix into a nice sauce, and pour on prepared kale. Mix with hands....it gets messy, and I have to always wash my hands..... now before putting the dehydrating trays away, or cookie sheet... lightly salt the top of the kale with a salt shaker!
I put the chips overnight in my dehydrator...you can check the oven every 5 minutes till they are our of the oven....another tip is to use cashews, if you don't have hemp seeds...just soak for about 20 minutes.... Enjoy!!!! These are way better than any store bought versions.
Pin It Now!
Speaking of which, we are emergency foster parenting these days. This has caused some confusion about our intent to adopt. Yes, we are planning on adopting from Romania....and, would love to be able to adopt out of the foster care system in Alaska. It is a mess. But I really feel like God will bring us the situations and kids and we'll just take them as they come. We have had a little guy with us for over a month. He's 3 and a doll. We're all smitten and watching to see what happens. It was supposed to be a temporary placement, but nothing is certain, is kinda the rule, with OCS. I have just started researching where his heritage is from and am completely fascinated with it! What a rich thing, to have a culture and a history that has a visible root (Americans kinda loose theirs). I want to learn everything, so I can teach him. So that he can be proud of how unique he is. He has adapted in our home well, but I know that the more comfortable he gets, the more he'll act like a 3 year old (Oiy!). So for now, we have 4 kids, running and playing, and squabbling....and laughing...and playing in the mud!
It has been really good for my youngest Zaya, to have a younger sibling. He is rising to the challenge of being a good role model, and adapting to the fact that He is not the youngest. It has been a positive change. Zaya finally has someone who listens to him.
Fall is fading quickly here. We had an incredible summer. The blueberries this years were absolutely incredible! I was able to pick 17 gallons! and though that sounds like a lot. It may last me through the winter. They are very precious to me (said in the Gullom voice). We had a swift fall, full of pretty much non stop rain. We were able to go out 4 wheeling and cranberry picking on Sunday for the first time in over a month. But it's supposed to be in the 20's in the next couple of days. YIKES! So today I harvested all the rest of my garden. I had beautiful potatoes and carrots (there were many bites in my carrots from voles! gggrrrrr) come up, that I will enjoy in the coming months. Grateful!
My adventures in homeschooling are moving along slowly. I cannot believe how behind Isaac is academically, for his grade. It took him 2 hours to attempt to copy a sentence today. And still it was something I had to help him do. On the positive side, he is doing awesome with the math curriculum that I got. It has him grouping and learning on the abacus, which he's a natural at! I can't tell you the elation that I get, seeing him "get it". We played a game of war with fractions....fractions?! and he was able to know that 3/4 beats 6/10..... Toby says I'm geeking out over the whole curriculum, and he may be right. He may be right.
So I am currently doing a 30 day paleo diet experiment. Why? To see if my body does well with it. I am switching out whole grains, for animal protein. As a vegan for 2 years, I have a few things that I have noticed. First, I have had an intense sugar addiction, that either was not there before, or I never noticed. I also struggle a lot with acid reflux. Considering how clean my diet has been, it always bugged me! The only answer I got was that my food combining was off. But seriously? Should there really be something else that I need to follow? Food should not be this land mine field of do's and don'ts. Ultimately, it's gotta be better living than that.
Because my garden is over, I harvested all my kale. I planted many, many kale plants, cause I heart kale. I use the leaves to make this, and the stems to juice. My favorite kale is the dinosaur variety. I am not a fan of the Russian variety. But to each, his own. Before making the sauce, be sure you have taken the stems off and cut the kale into chip sizes.
KALE CHIPS!
preheat oven to 350 or prepare dehydrator (I have never used the oven, so if someone does, please tell me how it comes out)
in a blender (or vitamix) mix together
1c hemp seeds
2/3c of water
1 red bell pepper
1T of chili powder
1T of lemon juice
1-2 cloves of garlic
something spicy (I put jalapenos, but this is optional!)
mix into a nice sauce, and pour on prepared kale. Mix with hands....it gets messy, and I have to always wash my hands..... now before putting the dehydrating trays away, or cookie sheet... lightly salt the top of the kale with a salt shaker!
I put the chips overnight in my dehydrator...you can check the oven every 5 minutes till they are our of the oven....another tip is to use cashews, if you don't have hemp seeds...just soak for about 20 minutes.... Enjoy!!!! These are way better than any store bought versions.
Pin It Now!
Friday, August 9, 2013
Blueberries, Change, and Gluten Free Pancakes!
I think I've written several blog posts....in my head. I came and thought, Wow, it's been a while! Our family structure has changed a few times in the months that have passed. We are currently emergency foster parents, which means that at any moment we get a call and have kids in our home that need placement. I have said that I want only kids younger than our youngest to maintain the birth order, and to protect the set up. But I must admit, it is a stretching thing for me, to have no idea what will happen next. Toby and I both just feel like God will handle the details, and our only responsibility is to say Yes, or No to the call: to house those little people in need. It will only be a season in our life that we will foster. After our family is full, we will stop (Lord willing, I...um, think). I have been praying for the right sibling group that will need a permanent home to come along. I want our family to grow, the constant shifting and changing is not my cup of tea.
Meanwhile, my papers for me to get my green card updated FINALLY came, last week!!!! On September 11th, (I know, weird, right?) I will go to the federal building and get all my finger prints done and sent in for a nice new shiny green card...then I will need to go to Washington DC to get my Romanian passport....I wish there was a way to get that without having to actually go, in person, to apply. I will make a trip of it to see my sweet and wonderful Grandma, and a friend who lives in maryland.
It has been hot. No, I mean, really, really hot!!!! We went to the fair today (an almost painful torture for me, with 3 kids) and got a sun burn. My plants are all trying to hang in there, but the heat is much for them. The water we go through is a lot. The positives are plenty over the heat wave, also. We don't have to pay for heat. We live in Alaska, too much heat is almost a sin to complain about!!!
So School is almost upon my house. We start on the 21st. Zaya will be a first grader and Bella will be in 3rd, they are currently scheduled to be in the same classroom, but I'm going to try my super hardest to change that bad situation, we'll see if I succeed. And Isaac, well, Isaac is being home-schooled......by me, I know, right?! I was one of those women who said I would NEVER home-school my kids, never! I also happened to say that I wanted a small family (two kids...a boy and a girl) and that I wanted a degree and career. God has and continues to use the very things that I am awful at to show me who He is through me. Not what I consider my strengths, but what I know are my weaknesses. There's this thing that some churches do....where they do these personality tests in an attempt to understand what God has made them to do, or be. I find it a touch ironic, that in my life it's the exact opposite...I boast of what I cannot do (be patient, nurturing, most times...kind, and not stress out) because I know when I am weak, He indeed, is strong. I am actually excited to be doing this with Isaac. He has fallen so far behind in academics, it's heartbreaking to see him have little confidence in math. I am hopeful that he will find his love of learning, and I will gain an ability to teach, that I don't have (and have not wanted...lol)
It is blueberry season....This. is. a. big. deal!! I have been obsessed with the little blue nuggets for weeks. They came out early, and look to be fading away. I want more buckets!! I only have 9 gallons, and trust me, that is not enough to last past the winter. My goal is to not rely on the store bought, flavorless knock offs. But I am only one woman. They do taste amazing with my chocolate vegan shakeology!! I am addicted to the combo. But one of the hands down bestest things to do with these precious blue gems, is to put them in your pancake batter. The tart and tangy with the maple syrup is divine!!!
Best Blueberry pancakes!!!
-prepare your pan for batter
1c teff flour
1/2c quinoa four
1/2c buckwheat flour
3t baking soda
1t baking powder
1/2c grated zucchine
1/4c ground organic flax (whatch out, non organic is most certainly GMO) or ground chia
2T oil (olive or coconut)
2-4 c of coconut milk (add 1T of apple cider vinegar to each cup, so you get a nice curdle)
1-2 cups of alaskan blueberries!!
pour and serve (I'll post some pics when I get them taken)
Pin It Now!
Meanwhile, my papers for me to get my green card updated FINALLY came, last week!!!! On September 11th, (I know, weird, right?) I will go to the federal building and get all my finger prints done and sent in for a nice new shiny green card...then I will need to go to Washington DC to get my Romanian passport....I wish there was a way to get that without having to actually go, in person, to apply. I will make a trip of it to see my sweet and wonderful Grandma, and a friend who lives in maryland.
It has been hot. No, I mean, really, really hot!!!! We went to the fair today (an almost painful torture for me, with 3 kids) and got a sun burn. My plants are all trying to hang in there, but the heat is much for them. The water we go through is a lot. The positives are plenty over the heat wave, also. We don't have to pay for heat. We live in Alaska, too much heat is almost a sin to complain about!!!
So School is almost upon my house. We start on the 21st. Zaya will be a first grader and Bella will be in 3rd, they are currently scheduled to be in the same classroom, but I'm going to try my super hardest to change that bad situation, we'll see if I succeed. And Isaac, well, Isaac is being home-schooled......by me, I know, right?! I was one of those women who said I would NEVER home-school my kids, never! I also happened to say that I wanted a small family (two kids...a boy and a girl) and that I wanted a degree and career. God has and continues to use the very things that I am awful at to show me who He is through me. Not what I consider my strengths, but what I know are my weaknesses. There's this thing that some churches do....where they do these personality tests in an attempt to understand what God has made them to do, or be. I find it a touch ironic, that in my life it's the exact opposite...I boast of what I cannot do (be patient, nurturing, most times...kind, and not stress out) because I know when I am weak, He indeed, is strong. I am actually excited to be doing this with Isaac. He has fallen so far behind in academics, it's heartbreaking to see him have little confidence in math. I am hopeful that he will find his love of learning, and I will gain an ability to teach, that I don't have (and have not wanted...lol)
It is blueberry season....This. is. a. big. deal!! I have been obsessed with the little blue nuggets for weeks. They came out early, and look to be fading away. I want more buckets!! I only have 9 gallons, and trust me, that is not enough to last past the winter. My goal is to not rely on the store bought, flavorless knock offs. But I am only one woman. They do taste amazing with my chocolate vegan shakeology!! I am addicted to the combo. But one of the hands down bestest things to do with these precious blue gems, is to put them in your pancake batter. The tart and tangy with the maple syrup is divine!!!
Best Blueberry pancakes!!!
-prepare your pan for batter
1c teff flour
1/2c quinoa four
1/2c buckwheat flour
3t baking soda
1t baking powder
1/2c grated zucchine
1/4c ground organic flax (whatch out, non organic is most certainly GMO) or ground chia
2T oil (olive or coconut)
2-4 c of coconut milk (add 1T of apple cider vinegar to each cup, so you get a nice curdle)
1-2 cups of alaskan blueberries!!
pour and serve (I'll post some pics when I get them taken)
Pin It Now!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Moist Vegan Gluten Free Chocolate Layered Birthday Cake with an Update
It has been an awfully long time since my last post. I have several drafts that I never finished and never posted. I read them, and think, totally outdated, trash. So I will try yet again. I have high hopes of posting this though.
First off, an update on our adoption process.....drum roll please.....I am exactly at the same place now, that I was several months ago. I am waiting for the US to simply give me a renewed current green card. My mother told me it took her 2 weeks to get one of my brothers lost cards replaced...great.....I am looking at month 8, and still no paperwork moving. I think what makes it difficult, is seeing other families who are at that finish stage. I have met, 2 couples, through our church, whom are doing international adoptions. One is just finishing their dossier and the other couple is watching God topple many great obstacles in Uganda (it should have been easier than it has been). It makes me wonder what our journey is going to be like. That point when we get the green light to go to Romania. It makes me long
I did want to mention that my mother is completely horrified that I would want to adopt from our home country. Why? Well, because most likely I will be adopting a gypsy child/children. Gypsy and Romanian are not the same thing. In fact gypsies are spread all over Europe. They are a very hated people group. As a group of people they tend to place value on material things, and running scams to rip people off. Not many people look favorably on them. In fact, during the Holocaust many of them were slaughtered. I am perfectly fine accepting the child/children that God has for us. So both of us are praying. I warned her that I am kind of a favorite of His. It will make a tremendous testimony for her, I am grateful to be able to be a part. She can see that God is a God who loves orphans (which is what we are) and He can open closed doors when it comes to giving them a home.
I am not going to write about the horrendous weather we have had this May. But I don't believe I'm exaggerating when I say, this has been the most disappointing month of weather, in my entire life. The longing for a place were I can grow food all year round, grows.
Thursday was my little girls' birthday. She turned 8, just like that....in a day. She is such an incredible little girl that I get raise! I have these moments when I stare at her, grateful that I get to watch her grow. She has blue eyes. Here's some facts about the significance of that: I always wanted blue eyes, and since I couldn't have them, I picked friends who did. Eventually I married my husband, for the same reason (and a few others, lol). I had a dream about having a little girl with blue eyes, by the time I had Bella, I had given up on that dream (it had been 9 years). Her blue eyes remind me of God's utter faithfulness, they really do. Bella wants to be an artist when she grows up, it makes me giggle, because it's so different than me. She's truly a farm girl at heart, she has no fear of animals, any of them. She had a choice between a guinea pig, or her own American girl doll. She chose the pet, and since they get awfully lonely, we will have 2 soon. I love her very much
Today Isaac turned 9. That is almost a decade! The days
have been slow, but the years have gone sooo fast! I am going to be homeschooling Isaac next year, and I am actually very excited to see how he learns and learn how to teach. I wish I had not waited so long, and had done this earlier, but God certainly had a lot to change in my heart before I was willing. Isaac is the sweetest child to parent, it is hard to believe he was such a challenge as a toddler. That's autism, for you. He has his moments, like with food. But hands down, he's the least challenging to parent. He wants to please, he loves so deeply and with such clear, pure, love. This year for mother's day, he came in our bed in the morning, and proudly brought to me something he'd made at school. He read it to me. I love my mom because she takes good care of me. My mom is a great cook. My mom likes to knit. My mom always takes good care of my family. I couldn't help but weep. Here's my little boy (who isn't so little, anymore) validating all the things I do, day in and day out, that I mostly feel are taken for granted. He knows me....and he loves me. Pretty profound for a 9 year old!
So today we celebrated both their birthdays, inside. My house was full of kids. I think they totally outnumbered the adults. But we all kept our head above waters. No drowning here...lol. A great group of people blessed my kids, and therefor blessed us. Our favorite present was a gift to go on a date night and see a movie! How thoughtful of our friends Dan and Sarah! They are some our favorite people....
But I made a cake. I really like a moist layered cake with frosting. Maybe it's the Romanian in me (they make very elaborate desserts called prăjitură). This cake went first (I had made a raw vanilla/raspberry and a pure chocolate cheesecake). I wanted more. I still want more. I almost ate it all before I could take a picture! oops.
Moist Gluten Free Chocolate Cake
1/3c buckwheat flour
1/3c quinoa flour
1/3c garbanzo/fava
1/4c brown rice
1/4 c of chia seeds ground
1/2c oil (coconut or olive oil)
1/4c of coconut yogurt (or applesauce)
1/2c coconut crystals
pinch of salt
1t of baking soda
1t of baking powder
3/4c coconut milk add 1T of apple cider vinegar
Frosting! (very sugary, sorry)
1/2c of vegetable shortening
1/2c of soy free earth balance
4 1/2c of organic powdered sugar
1T of vanilla extract
4T of coconut milk (use as needed
-mix the first 2 ingredients in a mixer, till fluffy, add sugar 1 cup at a time, adding 1 T at a time. 350 for 12-15 minutes (they are very thin in the round tins I use)
I bake the cake in 3 round non stick pans that I have to spray with olive oil (go figure) then add the frosting as I go. Enjoy!
Pin It Now!
First off, an update on our adoption process.....drum roll please.....I am exactly at the same place now, that I was several months ago. I am waiting for the US to simply give me a renewed current green card. My mother told me it took her 2 weeks to get one of my brothers lost cards replaced...great.....I am looking at month 8, and still no paperwork moving. I think what makes it difficult, is seeing other families who are at that finish stage. I have met, 2 couples, through our church, whom are doing international adoptions. One is just finishing their dossier and the other couple is watching God topple many great obstacles in Uganda (it should have been easier than it has been). It makes me wonder what our journey is going to be like. That point when we get the green light to go to Romania. It makes me long
I did want to mention that my mother is completely horrified that I would want to adopt from our home country. Why? Well, because most likely I will be adopting a gypsy child/children. Gypsy and Romanian are not the same thing. In fact gypsies are spread all over Europe. They are a very hated people group. As a group of people they tend to place value on material things, and running scams to rip people off. Not many people look favorably on them. In fact, during the Holocaust many of them were slaughtered. I am perfectly fine accepting the child/children that God has for us. So both of us are praying. I warned her that I am kind of a favorite of His. It will make a tremendous testimony for her, I am grateful to be able to be a part. She can see that God is a God who loves orphans (which is what we are) and He can open closed doors when it comes to giving them a home.
 |
| Bella and Kenai |
Today Isaac turned 9. That is almost a decade! The days
 |
| Isaac and the little chicks |
So today we celebrated both their birthdays, inside. My house was full of kids. I think they totally outnumbered the adults. But we all kept our head above waters. No drowning here...lol. A great group of people blessed my kids, and therefor blessed us. Our favorite present was a gift to go on a date night and see a movie! How thoughtful of our friends Dan and Sarah! They are some our favorite people....
But I made a cake. I really like a moist layered cake with frosting. Maybe it's the Romanian in me (they make very elaborate desserts called prăjitură). This cake went first (I had made a raw vanilla/raspberry and a pure chocolate cheesecake). I wanted more. I still want more. I almost ate it all before I could take a picture! oops.
Moist Gluten Free Chocolate Cake
1/3c buckwheat flour
1/3c quinoa flour
1/3c garbanzo/fava
1/4c brown rice
1/4 c of chia seeds ground
1/2c oil (coconut or olive oil)
1/4c of coconut yogurt (or applesauce)
1/2c coconut crystals
pinch of salt
1t of baking soda
1t of baking powder
3/4c coconut milk add 1T of apple cider vinegar
Frosting! (very sugary, sorry)
1/2c of vegetable shortening
1/2c of soy free earth balance
4 1/2c of organic powdered sugar
1T of vanilla extract
4T of coconut milk (use as needed
-mix the first 2 ingredients in a mixer, till fluffy, add sugar 1 cup at a time, adding 1 T at a time. 350 for 12-15 minutes (they are very thin in the round tins I use)
I bake the cake in 3 round non stick pans that I have to spray with olive oil (go figure) then add the frosting as I go. Enjoy!
Pin It Now!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Runts and Raw Gluten Free Vegan Granola
I called the office that is supposed to be reviewing my application to get my green card current, the other day. They said they were working on applications submitted last September, and that I should call on the 15th to see if they moved on to October (I submitted my application Oct. 2). I wait. But I believe the waiting time is not wasted, it's a time where God prepares. I have been studying scriptures, and there is this overwhelming theme that runs through the lives of every single believer, and that is God's overwhelming love, that causes those of us that are His children to birth perseverance. None of my spiritual ancestors escaped long bouts of waiting for the Lords promises. It is a time of much growth. But I must be honest, not all of me is thrilled with this.
The sun is heating up my home, and I have one word for how that is.....GLORIOUS! I have these big south facing windows, and the sun overwhelms my whole main floor. I love it! I am basking in it, right now....all my little seedlings are loving it. I just got a batch of seeds I ordered from here. So I will be planting some more.
The baby chick drama continues. There is a runt, ironically she is the one that I named and am bonded to. Did you know baby chicks poop, and if the poop sticks to their bottom, they can die? Yah, I didn't know that either. But if you should happen to need to clean the bottoms of baby chicks, do it without much water anywhere else, because getting them too wet, can also kill them (the dramatic temperature change can be too much). So I learned two things about baby chicks and I think that it's through mistakes that I will learn. That runt is still alive, and for that, I am grateful. This is what I must deal with every single day...Lexi.
We have all been home for the past few days, the kids and I. I have noticed that I have developed a strong sweet tooth. It is a bit concerning, since it's a new thing. But I am watching the whole craving take hold. It is strange. I am also going to be buying a whole bunch of probiotics today. My whole family needs it. There is a yeast infection, a few colds, and 2 of us who have taken anti-biotics. Now, I know that they are expensive. But I think a doctors visit costs way more, and provides a lot less help. So off to Sunshine foods we go.
As a result of that sweet tooth, though, I decided to make some granola. This recipe is my great excuse to never buy that store bough cereal. It's such a widely consumed food, and it breaks my heart. Cereal has no real nutritional value, but worse than that, it is where most of the Gmo's are put, and that is just not ok for our kids to be consuming.
This is what I made, it lasted a whole morning, then it was gone. All my friends out there who have dehydrators...this is the time to use em! You can also put the granola in the oven at the lowest temp setting, and check every 5 minutes, till the moisture is gone from the granola....
Gluten Free Vegan (but of course) Granola
2c gluten free rolled oats
1/2c of whole flax seeds soaked in 1/2c water for about 10 minutes
1c crushed cashews soaked in water for about 20 minutes
1/4c maple syrup
1/4c coconut crystals
1/4c hemp seeds (if you have em, which I did)
1/2c raisins
1/3c melted coconut oil
1/3c shredded coconut flakes
1/2t salt
2T vanilla extract, I highly recommend making your own, such a easy task!
1/2t almond extract
let all the ingredients that need to be soaked...soak...then mix, once mixed spread in the dehydrator let dehydrate a few hours then flip. I hope you enjoy it, as much as we did...I will be making more...Yum!
Pin It Now!
The baby chick drama continues. There is a runt, ironically she is the one that I named and am bonded to. Did you know baby chicks poop, and if the poop sticks to their bottom, they can die? Yah, I didn't know that either. But if you should happen to need to clean the bottoms of baby chicks, do it without much water anywhere else, because getting them too wet, can also kill them (the dramatic temperature change can be too much). So I learned two things about baby chicks and I think that it's through mistakes that I will learn. That runt is still alive, and for that, I am grateful. This is what I must deal with every single day...Lexi.
As a result of that sweet tooth, though, I decided to make some granola. This recipe is my great excuse to never buy that store bough cereal. It's such a widely consumed food, and it breaks my heart. Cereal has no real nutritional value, but worse than that, it is where most of the Gmo's are put, and that is just not ok for our kids to be consuming.
Gluten Free Vegan (but of course) Granola
2c gluten free rolled oats
1/2c of whole flax seeds soaked in 1/2c water for about 10 minutes
1c crushed cashews soaked in water for about 20 minutes
1/4c maple syrup
1/4c coconut crystals
1/4c hemp seeds (if you have em, which I did)
1/2c raisins
1/3c melted coconut oil
1/3c shredded coconut flakes
1/2t salt
2T vanilla extract, I highly recommend making your own, such a easy task!
1/2t almond extract
let all the ingredients that need to be soaked...soak...then mix, once mixed spread in the dehydrator let dehydrate a few hours then flip. I hope you enjoy it, as much as we did...I will be making more...Yum!
Pin It Now!
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