I went out with an awesome group of women friends the other night. Never mind that I was over an hour late because I had to hustle to bring my brood back from swim lessons, and my hubby insisted that I make a smoothie for my oldest, before I headed out (in desperate need of a shower). I made it! I was able to connect with beautiful mothers that I rarely get to. It was great, and rejuvenating. A couple of conversations spawned up about adoption. So, of course, I had a difficult time keeping my ever yapping, mouth, shut.
But the talking from a few nights ago, got me to thinking about how easy it is to romanticize adoption. It's what I did. I had the whole sad, but beautiful story, already written in my mind, long before we actually pursued adoption. It was tragically moving. The children were wounded but grateful to finally have a family, and be loved. On and on it went. But reality went nothing like my little romanticized world.
The truth is that adoption is messy!! No matter the route you go. In foster care, it's even more messy. I have been in the thick of it. I have had to try to let my pride get squashed. Let go of any decency that I expect from rational human beings. I have had to say goodbye to expectations. All the while trusting in God and being reminded, daily, that my life is not my own. It is a daily death. I throw internal fits before Him, constantly.
As we reunify our 2 girls, I feel like I am being stretched to the max. I would like to give up on the whole situation. I do not want to be kind and eat dirt, before their biological mother. This is the truth, so the accolade of how great I am, really are not accurate. I have no love of Christ for the woman who is currently making my whole being cringe. I have no compassion and very little understanding. I have to continuously ignore texts and not respond to constant internal buttons being pushed. It is not natural. It is not normal. What is normal is to let her know exactly how I see the whole ridiculous matter, but I cannot.
Our house is in emotional shambles. We are terrible at saying goodbye. It doesn't come easy or naturally. I cry. And I am not even sure how I would like the story to end, for the girls, for their mother, or for our family. I just know that I do not like today, well actually, Monday. When the whole chaos begins of them teeter tottering back from our home to hers.
Eventually the pain will lessen. I have learned that is true. But the dull ache will never disappear. I ache for the little girl that we said goodbye to 3 months ago. I miss her. Our kids will tell me they miss her, at random parts of our mundane day. All I can say is, I miss her too.
The thing about our adoption story is that one day....I will be able to reflect on this entry.... with remembrance of the painful journey. But there will be Joy. It is just how it always works with God's children. The painful events of this life are meant to declare Him faithful. To make Him shine. His Glory to be magnified. "She cried out to her God, and when all seemed hopeless and she looked foolish...... He answered".... That will be the last chapter in my story. I truly believe that. Not because I am worthy.... but because He is good.
So the romance is over. I am tired, all over.
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Sunday, February 22, 2015
Friday, February 13, 2015
Prayers Answered in a Day
Today was kind of tough. I should have done more school with the kids, and they probably should have been sent outside. Instead I became a referee all day. My two boys and the two girls could not resolve squabbles all day. I did.
This morning I had more questions than I have this evening. We have had a little boy for the past month. He has another home that he should be going to with his teenage mother. We've done the whole teenager and child foster care, and it's not a good fit for our family. A friend of ours, though, is willing to open up her home, so she was emergency licensed today. I found out that he should transition into her home either today (obviously not) or tomorrow. I am hoping for something more stable for the little guy.
But perhaps, the most unexpected news is that the two girls we've been fostering for the past 6 months, are going to be transitioning into their mother's care in the next few weeks! There is a clear time table, and date even!! This is what I have been praying for, but as is the norm, I have a lot of mixed emotions over the process. The girls deserve to be with their mom , if she can parent. And truly the answer will only be answered sufficiently, by reunification.
I will need prayer. My desire is to support this mother, with all that I can. And my hope is that we can maintain communication with the girls. Lord willing. It just is not simple or easy. I have had birthmothers that I have loved instantly, with this mother it is has been touch and go. I do believe that she truly loves her girls and she has done everything that has been asked of her. She has earned this chance.
But the idea of our home going from 7 kids to 4, is strange. We'll see what God has planned, after today, I can say, I have no idea. But I know that He is good and faithful. This I know
Tonight, the weight of all the shifting makes me tired. I find myself at the mercy of my Jesus. Foster care is nothing like anything you picture. The kids are always different than the kids you picture in your head. I'm not even sure if it's a conscious thing I do, picturing them, but I do.
I am dealing with each case one at a time. We will say goodbye to the little guy in the next few days, maybe even tomorrow. I will focus our attention on reunifying the girls, and giving all the support we know to. I am gearing up for a roller coaster ride of emotions for the next month. And then we will focus on our adoption of Silas.
Silas' case just got transferred to the adoption specialist. Our final adoptions day should be a matter of months I am starting to plan for it, as one plans for a wedding). Will we take any placements during this time? I don't think we will take any while we transition the two girls. And maybe after they are gone, we'll take a few weeks to breath, and do something as a family. But our local office knows that we would like to adopt. They know our preferences and so if we get a call for something permanent, I'm taking it as a queue from God. But if not, it will be a much needed rest for our home. Only time and God know. Pin It Now!
This morning I had more questions than I have this evening. We have had a little boy for the past month. He has another home that he should be going to with his teenage mother. We've done the whole teenager and child foster care, and it's not a good fit for our family. A friend of ours, though, is willing to open up her home, so she was emergency licensed today. I found out that he should transition into her home either today (obviously not) or tomorrow. I am hoping for something more stable for the little guy.
But perhaps, the most unexpected news is that the two girls we've been fostering for the past 6 months, are going to be transitioning into their mother's care in the next few weeks! There is a clear time table, and date even!! This is what I have been praying for, but as is the norm, I have a lot of mixed emotions over the process. The girls deserve to be with their mom , if she can parent. And truly the answer will only be answered sufficiently, by reunification.
I will need prayer. My desire is to support this mother, with all that I can. And my hope is that we can maintain communication with the girls. Lord willing. It just is not simple or easy. I have had birthmothers that I have loved instantly, with this mother it is has been touch and go. I do believe that she truly loves her girls and she has done everything that has been asked of her. She has earned this chance.
But the idea of our home going from 7 kids to 4, is strange. We'll see what God has planned, after today, I can say, I have no idea. But I know that He is good and faithful. This I know
Tonight, the weight of all the shifting makes me tired. I find myself at the mercy of my Jesus. Foster care is nothing like anything you picture. The kids are always different than the kids you picture in your head. I'm not even sure if it's a conscious thing I do, picturing them, but I do.
I am dealing with each case one at a time. We will say goodbye to the little guy in the next few days, maybe even tomorrow. I will focus our attention on reunifying the girls, and giving all the support we know to. I am gearing up for a roller coaster ride of emotions for the next month. And then we will focus on our adoption of Silas.
Silas' case just got transferred to the adoption specialist. Our final adoptions day should be a matter of months I am starting to plan for it, as one plans for a wedding). Will we take any placements during this time? I don't think we will take any while we transition the two girls. And maybe after they are gone, we'll take a few weeks to breath, and do something as a family. But our local office knows that we would like to adopt. They know our preferences and so if we get a call for something permanent, I'm taking it as a queue from God. But if not, it will be a much needed rest for our home. Only time and God know. Pin It Now!
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