It feels nice to sit on my bed and type away, because it has been so very long. A lot has changed. Our two girls are back with their biological mom, and her "new" husband, who refers to himself, as "the girl's dad". We dropped them off in a pretty scary part of town, on Sunday afternoon.
Grief is a funny thing, it can move you around an emotional pendulum, that you weren't even aware existed inside your brain/heart.
I have something I refer to as a "negative disposition". I can take many guesses about the origins of this personality flaw, I have, but it really doesn't matter where it came from. It's really easy for me to turn every emotion into anger. But Christ. Everything I see or feel really doesn't matter, because Christ. His perspective, His truth, His love, it changes everything. These past few days, I have needed to be reminded, desperately, about that reality. The reality of the Gospel. It's a reality that I need to remind myself of daily. Loss really brings that to light. I am confident of Him, in this situation. Every time I have to say goodbye to any of the kids that become family, I know and am reminded, I do not save children, He does. I may not know the story He will write for our girls, lives. And that's ok, mostly. He has been kind to me, as I have felt crabby, and a lot less patient, with everyone.
The decision for the girls to return was made on a Tuesday, and that following Sunday, they were gone. It was quick. I asked for that, because it has been so difficult for our 7 year old to gauge her reality. To know where she belongs. I pray. I think after several months, I may feel like this is permanent. Right now, I don't quite, yet.
The house is so quiet. My life is so much more manageable. No more visits, therapies, appointments, and counseling appointments. No more toddler whinings and defiance. No more need for constant affirmation, that is never enough. It is sad.
This is the reason that I hear so many "I could never do that" comments. But I must protest, and say, it's hard, but so very worth it. I have no regrets. none.
This season celebrates all that is worthy of praise and honor. It celebrates all that I hope in. That a child was born, as prophets declared, many years before, to a virgin. He was the Son of God, who humbled himself, dwelling among men....so that He could die the death fit for a murder, even though, He was without sin. (something no man can know). He bore the wrath of God, on a cross.....to atone for the sins I commit daily. But that is not the best part...... my hope rests in His resurrection. He rose again!!! He never died. AND, He is coming back. This is what fuels my life. He is worthy of all my praise....no matter what I feel. When He comes back.....nothing will be the same.
Merry Christmas, beautiful believers.
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Thursday, December 24, 2015
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Glee and Delight
I wish that I come to the blogging world with glee and delight, but I come to release, and process. My world of foster care doesn't have much glee or delight, currently. The school year began with so much hope in my heart for our two girls. Their story continues to be written, mostly in a language, that I cannot read. The case has been all over the place. A month ago, we got a new caseworker, the goal was going to change to adoption. Today, we are mentally, packing up the girls, as we have done so many times over the year, and preparing to say goodbye. The new caseworker sees no red flags in their return to their bio-mom, and her new husband. None. And I cannot, for the life of me, make any sense of that conclusion. How can two caseworkers have completely different takes on the same case? How can one see many red flags, while the other see none? It makes me question their return, all the more. I have no assurance of them being in a safe home. In our state's current layout..... that seems to not matter much. It's a cross your finger sort of arrangement.
But I am confident in my God, and His love for our girls. His unrelenting pursuit of them. I believe in prayer. I know He knows, what I do not, and He is good. My confidence rests solely on Him. I hold on to hope...I continue to pray. That is enough.
Our 7 year old has been through so many emotions, in the past 15 months, with us. I cannot imagine our family without her. She and my birth daughter have grown, through much struggle, close. The sad reality is that my daughter will most likely be the one that feels the greatest loss, because our 7 year old has had enough of it, to cope. Her sister, who turned 2, yesterday, does not know any other mother. She's had visits, but that is not the same, I have been her mother. She will not understand why.
Do we prepare for Christmas without them? With them? We don't know. We have been here before.
The reality is that loss is a part of life. And these painful lessons teach me to rely on the only stability, truth and hope. May you find comfort, in the greatest days of need. Goodnight.
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But I am confident in my God, and His love for our girls. His unrelenting pursuit of them. I believe in prayer. I know He knows, what I do not, and He is good. My confidence rests solely on Him. I hold on to hope...I continue to pray. That is enough.
Our 7 year old has been through so many emotions, in the past 15 months, with us. I cannot imagine our family without her. She and my birth daughter have grown, through much struggle, close. The sad reality is that my daughter will most likely be the one that feels the greatest loss, because our 7 year old has had enough of it, to cope. Her sister, who turned 2, yesterday, does not know any other mother. She's had visits, but that is not the same, I have been her mother. She will not understand why.
Do we prepare for Christmas without them? With them? We don't know. We have been here before.
The reality is that loss is a part of life. And these painful lessons teach me to rely on the only stability, truth and hope. May you find comfort, in the greatest days of need. Goodnight.
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Saturday, August 29, 2015
How Much Is Too Much?
Today I was having a conversation with one of my most favorite people, in the world.... my mother in law, and the topic of "how many children is too many children" popped on the string of conversation that we were having. In context, she was telling me that someone else mentioned that maybe having as many kids as we have, is not okay. Maybe we have too many kids?I smiled, as we continued the conversation, both on the same page of that issue.
A few days ago, I had a bad day. One of those days where everything and everyone seems to take and take, and not much is giving (except for maybe that cup of coffee). I found out that my 6th grader had been cheating on his math for months (and consequently, he could not tell me where the place values were for a number), that my daughter, who is perfectly competent in math, was not willing to try, I had another child bother me incessantly to change the "no electronics during the week" rule, also a toddler whining, and newborn fussing, mixed in with screaming....... it was one of "those" days. I finally did loose my cool and did yell at my pestering son, because I wanted to do the bible study with my girlfriends who had just showed up, at my home(the irony is not lost on me)... only to have the person that transports our girls to visits... show up..... it was a parenting fail. Honestly? I am tired. Having an 8 week old baby is taking it's toll..... I like sleep, and I am not getting enough of it.
During quiet/nap time, that day..... I thought about how different my life was. I am approaching what should be the downhill side of parenting.... the part that is mid-way..... I could just have 4 kids.... place them in schools.... and have many hours to myself, pursuing whatever I deem worthy of pursuing ..... it could be a notable, worthy cause, something that doesn't tax me, the way that parenting does.... Instead, we have chosen to have more children. Why?
All around me I see what our culture holds valuable..... Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness... and I get it. But because I am a believer of Jesus Christ, that just won't do. The pursuit of my own happiness, my own comfort, and the easy more pleasurable life..... just will not do. My life is not my own. Yes, I can choose to live my life the way that I want. But I choose not to. I choose to lay down my life.
It is difficult. I have parenting fails. But all my children are growing, just as much as me. We are all learning about apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Our Christian home does not mean that we are perfect, it means we admit our sin. It means we fear God.
Every time I think of why I should not have more than 4 kids, I can only come up with selfishness. It is easy to spend time doing what I want. It is difficult serving my children, teaching them, and not pursuing what I want..... daily. But each one of my children is the gift. They are the reason, I am here, not my own happiness. And truly, we have the room in our home, car, and lives for each of the children God has given us. But yes, it's not easy...... not at all... if it was, I may be inclined to take some credit.
Now on ward to some current events:
Our family has increased to 7, which is the reason for my lack of sleep. I got the call for Phin, a couple of days after we came home from vacationing with all the kids, in Seward. The crazy truth is that God had been preparing my heart for a little baby for a few months. Phin, is nothing what I expected (non of our permanent children are). I was praying for a non white girl, and Phin is a very white.... boy. So I have had to let go of that phantom child, that is not. He was 7 weeks..... and in need of a family to love him. He was super quiet that first day, and slept a lot.....Ureeka, I thought!!! Turns out, Phin, was not being fed sufficiently, so he was too tired to stay awake, and his cry was super weak. He is growing and chunking up! His case looks like it will not be complicated and that he will be adoptable. But they will still have to give his bio mom a chance. We wait, but have great hope.
Perhaps the most amazing update is regarding our girls. We have had a 7 year old and her half sister (who is 22 months), in our care for over a year now. It has been a very difficult and emotional journey. We have a new case worker and a new supervisor..... and the goal from the state's perspective is changing!!!!!! The goal has been reunification for the entire time, even with 3 failed reunification dates..... but on Tuesday, it will change to adoption!!! It must still change in court... which can take 4 months.... but...... for the first time, since we have had the girls.... there looks like a possibility to adopt them. And for that, we will celebrate. I will rejoice because the state is advocating for them. Tears well up, thinking about God's faithfulness...... to them... and to us.
And as we look for a new car, and I reflect on our journey as foster parents.... I can smile, with a deep, deep, sigh...... I have no clue what will happen.... but there is a very real possibility that we may be at the home stretch. It makes me feel a little sentimental.
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A few days ago, I had a bad day. One of those days where everything and everyone seems to take and take, and not much is giving (except for maybe that cup of coffee). I found out that my 6th grader had been cheating on his math for months (and consequently, he could not tell me where the place values were for a number), that my daughter, who is perfectly competent in math, was not willing to try, I had another child bother me incessantly to change the "no electronics during the week" rule, also a toddler whining, and newborn fussing, mixed in with screaming....... it was one of "those" days. I finally did loose my cool and did yell at my pestering son, because I wanted to do the bible study with my girlfriends who had just showed up, at my home(the irony is not lost on me)... only to have the person that transports our girls to visits... show up..... it was a parenting fail. Honestly? I am tired. Having an 8 week old baby is taking it's toll..... I like sleep, and I am not getting enough of it.
During quiet/nap time, that day..... I thought about how different my life was. I am approaching what should be the downhill side of parenting.... the part that is mid-way..... I could just have 4 kids.... place them in schools.... and have many hours to myself, pursuing whatever I deem worthy of pursuing ..... it could be a notable, worthy cause, something that doesn't tax me, the way that parenting does.... Instead, we have chosen to have more children. Why?
All around me I see what our culture holds valuable..... Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness... and I get it. But because I am a believer of Jesus Christ, that just won't do. The pursuit of my own happiness, my own comfort, and the easy more pleasurable life..... just will not do. My life is not my own. Yes, I can choose to live my life the way that I want. But I choose not to. I choose to lay down my life.
It is difficult. I have parenting fails. But all my children are growing, just as much as me. We are all learning about apologizing and asking for forgiveness. Our Christian home does not mean that we are perfect, it means we admit our sin. It means we fear God.
Every time I think of why I should not have more than 4 kids, I can only come up with selfishness. It is easy to spend time doing what I want. It is difficult serving my children, teaching them, and not pursuing what I want..... daily. But each one of my children is the gift. They are the reason, I am here, not my own happiness. And truly, we have the room in our home, car, and lives for each of the children God has given us. But yes, it's not easy...... not at all... if it was, I may be inclined to take some credit.
Now on ward to some current events:
Our family has increased to 7, which is the reason for my lack of sleep. I got the call for Phin, a couple of days after we came home from vacationing with all the kids, in Seward. The crazy truth is that God had been preparing my heart for a little baby for a few months. Phin, is nothing what I expected (non of our permanent children are). I was praying for a non white girl, and Phin is a very white.... boy. So I have had to let go of that phantom child, that is not. He was 7 weeks..... and in need of a family to love him. He was super quiet that first day, and slept a lot.....Ureeka, I thought!!! Turns out, Phin, was not being fed sufficiently, so he was too tired to stay awake, and his cry was super weak. He is growing and chunking up! His case looks like it will not be complicated and that he will be adoptable. But they will still have to give his bio mom a chance. We wait, but have great hope.
Perhaps the most amazing update is regarding our girls. We have had a 7 year old and her half sister (who is 22 months), in our care for over a year now. It has been a very difficult and emotional journey. We have a new case worker and a new supervisor..... and the goal from the state's perspective is changing!!!!!! The goal has been reunification for the entire time, even with 3 failed reunification dates..... but on Tuesday, it will change to adoption!!! It must still change in court... which can take 4 months.... but...... for the first time, since we have had the girls.... there looks like a possibility to adopt them. And for that, we will celebrate. I will rejoice because the state is advocating for them. Tears well up, thinking about God's faithfulness...... to them... and to us.
And as we look for a new car, and I reflect on our journey as foster parents.... I can smile, with a deep, deep, sigh...... I have no clue what will happen.... but there is a very real possibility that we may be at the home stretch. It makes me feel a little sentimental.
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Thursday, June 25, 2015
Bring On The Rain
For the past 4 days, we have been living in a camp fire..... literally. There are so many things about living in Alaska that are unique. One of the unique things is that in the summer, our state burns up. There are currently over 100 fires in our state. And those fires have engulfed our air with smoke. It is wretched and pretty nasty. I would like it to stop. Please, bring on the rain... no lightning please. That is how some of this mess started.
It's been several months, so much has, and continues to happen in our home, family, and lives. One of the most significant is that our girls remain with us. The goal remains reunification, but there is no date set for that to happen. Nothing looms over our home.... just uncertainty for them, and as a result, us. We are approaching the one year anniversary of their arrival, and I must say, that there is something powerful about one year. For me, after a year, my guards, which are pretty strong and resistant, come down. I no longer keep the children, emotionally, at arms length. I can no longer picture our home without these two girls in it. I am not sure any of us, including the girls, would survive a permanent separation. The thought breaks my heart into million of pieces. No matter how much The Lord grows me up in my walk, I find myself trying to barter with God for these children to remain. I plead not just with a broken heart.... but approach Him with a "let's make a deal" attitude. Am I alone in this? It's pretty embarrassing to admit. Here is a loving and good God who says to His children.... come, and talk to me..... and I, mostly wait, till I need something.... and I come with the notion that I may have something to offer...... and really, my pleading is often times, for my own heart, not to break again. He hears... He listens..... He comforts... He is faithful..... But He does not play "let's make a deal" with me.
Right there, next to the drama that surrounds our case with the girls..... is a life changing even that occurred on Friday June, 19th......I wondered if some of the crazy that I felt over the case with the girls, would somehow overshadow the complete joy and miracle that had finally arrived... the adoption of our son. As I share this, tears flow, freely. I don't deserve this little one's love, but he has chosen to give it to me. He is our son.....IT IS LEGAL..... though he has been in our home, for almost two years.... adoption day is really a miracle. It is the difference between being engaged, and having the ceremony, signing the paperwork... standing before an official... and making it legal!! Being married, is way better. And in my heart, there is the assurance that he is ours. We have many bumps in the road, but he wants to be ours. He accepts and has taken his place boldly, much to his older sister's disapproval (our 7 year old is not adopted, so the day was full of many emotions for her, and sometimes, she seems to demand that he acknowledge her in the hierarchy of birth order). The day was full of many friends and some family..... Our church family stepped in and blessed us, simply by sharing the day. There is this strong desire to have your child, who came in with much brokenness.... see, visually, how very much they are loved..... and it was beautiful. We finished the day with a BBQ. The kids all waded in the kiddy pool, played on the swings, and snuck in a zip line ride.
Oh, and we also had two more kiddo's join our home, right after court. They are not permanent. They should be quite temporary. And we are all adjusting to 8. Sleeping is a tad bit touch and go.... there is a lot of repeating and food issues galore....I am praying for these littles.... the first few weeks are traumatizing, with just them being away from everything they know and that is familiar. They are effected.... and I have no answers for them. And we now have to use 2 cars, if we want to go anywhere.
Also, we may be getting licensed through TCC.... to take in placements. It would mean, instead of going and dealing with the state. We would be dealing with the tribes directly. We know we are not the preferred placement, but I wonder, if dealing with the tribes, is the better idea!!! Will let you know................. Pin It Now!
It's been several months, so much has, and continues to happen in our home, family, and lives. One of the most significant is that our girls remain with us. The goal remains reunification, but there is no date set for that to happen. Nothing looms over our home.... just uncertainty for them, and as a result, us. We are approaching the one year anniversary of their arrival, and I must say, that there is something powerful about one year. For me, after a year, my guards, which are pretty strong and resistant, come down. I no longer keep the children, emotionally, at arms length. I can no longer picture our home without these two girls in it. I am not sure any of us, including the girls, would survive a permanent separation. The thought breaks my heart into million of pieces. No matter how much The Lord grows me up in my walk, I find myself trying to barter with God for these children to remain. I plead not just with a broken heart.... but approach Him with a "let's make a deal" attitude. Am I alone in this? It's pretty embarrassing to admit. Here is a loving and good God who says to His children.... come, and talk to me..... and I, mostly wait, till I need something.... and I come with the notion that I may have something to offer...... and really, my pleading is often times, for my own heart, not to break again. He hears... He listens..... He comforts... He is faithful..... But He does not play "let's make a deal" with me.
Right there, next to the drama that surrounds our case with the girls..... is a life changing even that occurred on Friday June, 19th......I wondered if some of the crazy that I felt over the case with the girls, would somehow overshadow the complete joy and miracle that had finally arrived... the adoption of our son. As I share this, tears flow, freely. I don't deserve this little one's love, but he has chosen to give it to me. He is our son.....IT IS LEGAL..... though he has been in our home, for almost two years.... adoption day is really a miracle. It is the difference between being engaged, and having the ceremony, signing the paperwork... standing before an official... and making it legal!! Being married, is way better. And in my heart, there is the assurance that he is ours. We have many bumps in the road, but he wants to be ours. He accepts and has taken his place boldly, much to his older sister's disapproval (our 7 year old is not adopted, so the day was full of many emotions for her, and sometimes, she seems to demand that he acknowledge her in the hierarchy of birth order). The day was full of many friends and some family..... Our church family stepped in and blessed us, simply by sharing the day. There is this strong desire to have your child, who came in with much brokenness.... see, visually, how very much they are loved..... and it was beautiful. We finished the day with a BBQ. The kids all waded in the kiddy pool, played on the swings, and snuck in a zip line ride.
Oh, and we also had two more kiddo's join our home, right after court. They are not permanent. They should be quite temporary. And we are all adjusting to 8. Sleeping is a tad bit touch and go.... there is a lot of repeating and food issues galore....I am praying for these littles.... the first few weeks are traumatizing, with just them being away from everything they know and that is familiar. They are effected.... and I have no answers for them. And we now have to use 2 cars, if we want to go anywhere.
Also, we may be getting licensed through TCC.... to take in placements. It would mean, instead of going and dealing with the state. We would be dealing with the tribes directly. We know we are not the preferred placement, but I wonder, if dealing with the tribes, is the better idea!!! Will let you know................. Pin It Now!
Friday, May 15, 2015
I'd Really Love to See You, Tonight
It has been a rough few months for me emotionally. I went on a date with my husband, last night (Gasp, I know!!). He looked at me, as I was just sharing how hard it has been to just get out of bed! It is hard to face the day, everyday.... and I can't peg when this became a struggle. It didn't happen just one day... Boom! But I feel like I should know why, and when, and certainly, how to make the struggle end. But I do not know.
As Toby shared with me his own struggle, he looked at me and said "it's ever since we said goodbye to K" and that idea has been rolling over in my head today. Has it really been since then? He seems to think that we haven't grieved properly, and that is the cause of the emotional lead, that leads me to dread each day. But I am not sure that I know how to grieve properly. How do I MAKE myself process a loss that I can justify, in my head..... but still ache for in my heart? And I wonder if I loved her properly? As I was washing the dishes today, I wondered if she still drooled when she got mad and cried....I know that it's such a weird thing to think about... but it was distinct... it was her! I wonder what her life is like.... if she is loved....I believe she is! But sometimes, I wonder, still. This is the part of foster care that makes people run..... but life is full of loss, you can't out run that.
So we face another immanent loss looming before us. We were supposed to say goodbye to the two girls that we have had for 9 months now, twice. Yet tonight, they sleep in our home, safely. The girls have been through an emotional beating, as the back and forth, and back and forth, have taken a toll.... without reunification. Honestly? I am tired!!! I am ill equipped for dealing with the effects. I need prayer. There is a review call in a few days regarding this case. I am essentially just going to be asked "how are the girls?"..... and I want to say the right words, I want to honor God, and not just say whatever I want, or speak out of my frustration, and anger. I want to convey the damage of the uncertainty in these girl's lives, after 9 months in care. At 9 months, this case is a mess. I have no answers but the back and forth can not be, the way it has been. I hold my 7 year old, while she cries, having no answers. She cries because we "leave her out", when she is not with us. She cries because she "does not remember". She cries because she doesn't know, and I think really that is as honest as it will ever get. But it could be so much worse. She could be acting out.... instead, she feels. both girls are a bottomless pit of needs. So much need for safety, love, constant affirmation, hugs, more affirmation, and yet, more hugs..... and I love you's, which I echo back. I know this is truly a gift, but some days, my eyes are blurry and I can't see that gift.
Every part can be difficult, but that hope... the strong desire, for the kids, that I know God will put in our home..... that doesn't fade. I have moments of wanting it to all go away, but they are moments. If I got a call tomorrow, asking for us to take another case on...I would. This may be a strength... or it may be a weakness.... it depends on the day. Pin It Now!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
And Just Like That It Will All Change
I am much more calm on paper. My friends, especially the close ones, can tell you that I tend to me much more intense when you meet me in person. In fact, you will either like me, or strongly dislike me..... fun fact, every single one of my closest friends throughout my life did NOT like me, when we first met.... turns out that the joke was on them, cause they all very much loved me, in time.
I say this because I really lost it when I received news regarding our 2 foster daughter's case (Sorry Ashley for the "colorful" descriptive words I used when I found out the news). We foster parents can all unanimously agree that visits are the most challenging part of having foster kiddos. No matter how strong of a bond you build, or how safe and constant their lives become.... visits remind everyone that you are not a family. I do not mean this in a cruel or unkind way. But no typical family has to stop, then switch realities. There's flow and rhythm to a home, and a family. It is interrupted constantly with foster care. But with reunification.... the visits get longer and the overnights come.... which all lead to what the goal is always for kids in foster care... that they go back into a safer more capable bio family, situation. BUT, what if that goal cannot be accomplished. What if it's not in the best interest of the child? Then those visits are worst than the pits. And what if there's a new development that interrupts the reunification date? This is where our family and these two girls are.... it's called limbo. I am not fond of limbo. I very much like to what is going to happen next.... especially when it comes to my family.
But my life, my house, my time, my heart, and my mouth..... are not my own. As I follow Jesus, He slowly takes everything, and replaces it with Himself. So there is much uncertainty in a case that was supposed to move out of our care in 3 days. With foster care, everything can change. I do not know what will happen, but I am praying with all my heart, that everyone involved will think of and do what is best for these girls. Sometimes, the cases become about the parents... and the workers involved begin to think they are the heroes in these biological parents stories.... and things drag on longer than they need to.... at the expense of the kid's well being (btw, I have enjoyed dealing with every single one of the 16 kid's social workers).
Every child deserves to know where they belong. They deserve to know, without a shadow of a doubt, who it is that will protect, guide, defend, listen to, and love them. They need to know that there are people who are for them. We all long to find our place, the place we belong ..... children need that, as much as food, from birth. Kids in the system show you how devastating the disruption of meeting that need is..... or worse, they show you the faces of those who never had the need met, since birth. It does something to a child, to not have that. So we wait. Our girls and our family are in God's hands. I wonder what God's up to. Pin It Now!
I say this because I really lost it when I received news regarding our 2 foster daughter's case (Sorry Ashley for the "colorful" descriptive words I used when I found out the news). We foster parents can all unanimously agree that visits are the most challenging part of having foster kiddos. No matter how strong of a bond you build, or how safe and constant their lives become.... visits remind everyone that you are not a family. I do not mean this in a cruel or unkind way. But no typical family has to stop, then switch realities. There's flow and rhythm to a home, and a family. It is interrupted constantly with foster care. But with reunification.... the visits get longer and the overnights come.... which all lead to what the goal is always for kids in foster care... that they go back into a safer more capable bio family, situation. BUT, what if that goal cannot be accomplished. What if it's not in the best interest of the child? Then those visits are worst than the pits. And what if there's a new development that interrupts the reunification date? This is where our family and these two girls are.... it's called limbo. I am not fond of limbo. I very much like to what is going to happen next.... especially when it comes to my family.
But my life, my house, my time, my heart, and my mouth..... are not my own. As I follow Jesus, He slowly takes everything, and replaces it with Himself. So there is much uncertainty in a case that was supposed to move out of our care in 3 days. With foster care, everything can change. I do not know what will happen, but I am praying with all my heart, that everyone involved will think of and do what is best for these girls. Sometimes, the cases become about the parents... and the workers involved begin to think they are the heroes in these biological parents stories.... and things drag on longer than they need to.... at the expense of the kid's well being (btw, I have enjoyed dealing with every single one of the 16 kid's social workers).
Every child deserves to know where they belong. They deserve to know, without a shadow of a doubt, who it is that will protect, guide, defend, listen to, and love them. They need to know that there are people who are for them. We all long to find our place, the place we belong ..... children need that, as much as food, from birth. Kids in the system show you how devastating the disruption of meeting that need is..... or worse, they show you the faces of those who never had the need met, since birth. It does something to a child, to not have that. So we wait. Our girls and our family are in God's hands. I wonder what God's up to. Pin It Now!
Sunday, February 22, 2015
The Romance is Over
I went out with an awesome group of women friends the other night. Never mind that I was over an hour late because I had to hustle to bring my brood back from swim lessons, and my hubby insisted that I make a smoothie for my oldest, before I headed out (in desperate need of a shower). I made it! I was able to connect with beautiful mothers that I rarely get to. It was great, and rejuvenating. A couple of conversations spawned up about adoption. So, of course, I had a difficult time keeping my ever yapping, mouth, shut.
But the talking from a few nights ago, got me to thinking about how easy it is to romanticize adoption. It's what I did. I had the whole sad, but beautiful story, already written in my mind, long before we actually pursued adoption. It was tragically moving. The children were wounded but grateful to finally have a family, and be loved. On and on it went. But reality went nothing like my little romanticized world.
The truth is that adoption is messy!! No matter the route you go. In foster care, it's even more messy. I have been in the thick of it. I have had to try to let my pride get squashed. Let go of any decency that I expect from rational human beings. I have had to say goodbye to expectations. All the while trusting in God and being reminded, daily, that my life is not my own. It is a daily death. I throw internal fits before Him, constantly.
As we reunify our 2 girls, I feel like I am being stretched to the max. I would like to give up on the whole situation. I do not want to be kind and eat dirt, before their biological mother. This is the truth, so the accolade of how great I am, really are not accurate. I have no love of Christ for the woman who is currently making my whole being cringe. I have no compassion and very little understanding. I have to continuously ignore texts and not respond to constant internal buttons being pushed. It is not natural. It is not normal. What is normal is to let her know exactly how I see the whole ridiculous matter, but I cannot.
Our house is in emotional shambles. We are terrible at saying goodbye. It doesn't come easy or naturally. I cry. And I am not even sure how I would like the story to end, for the girls, for their mother, or for our family. I just know that I do not like today, well actually, Monday. When the whole chaos begins of them teeter tottering back from our home to hers.
Eventually the pain will lessen. I have learned that is true. But the dull ache will never disappear. I ache for the little girl that we said goodbye to 3 months ago. I miss her. Our kids will tell me they miss her, at random parts of our mundane day. All I can say is, I miss her too.
The thing about our adoption story is that one day....I will be able to reflect on this entry.... with remembrance of the painful journey. But there will be Joy. It is just how it always works with God's children. The painful events of this life are meant to declare Him faithful. To make Him shine. His Glory to be magnified. "She cried out to her God, and when all seemed hopeless and she looked foolish...... He answered".... That will be the last chapter in my story. I truly believe that. Not because I am worthy.... but because He is good.
So the romance is over. I am tired, all over. Pin It Now!
But the talking from a few nights ago, got me to thinking about how easy it is to romanticize adoption. It's what I did. I had the whole sad, but beautiful story, already written in my mind, long before we actually pursued adoption. It was tragically moving. The children were wounded but grateful to finally have a family, and be loved. On and on it went. But reality went nothing like my little romanticized world.
The truth is that adoption is messy!! No matter the route you go. In foster care, it's even more messy. I have been in the thick of it. I have had to try to let my pride get squashed. Let go of any decency that I expect from rational human beings. I have had to say goodbye to expectations. All the while trusting in God and being reminded, daily, that my life is not my own. It is a daily death. I throw internal fits before Him, constantly.
As we reunify our 2 girls, I feel like I am being stretched to the max. I would like to give up on the whole situation. I do not want to be kind and eat dirt, before their biological mother. This is the truth, so the accolade of how great I am, really are not accurate. I have no love of Christ for the woman who is currently making my whole being cringe. I have no compassion and very little understanding. I have to continuously ignore texts and not respond to constant internal buttons being pushed. It is not natural. It is not normal. What is normal is to let her know exactly how I see the whole ridiculous matter, but I cannot.
Our house is in emotional shambles. We are terrible at saying goodbye. It doesn't come easy or naturally. I cry. And I am not even sure how I would like the story to end, for the girls, for their mother, or for our family. I just know that I do not like today, well actually, Monday. When the whole chaos begins of them teeter tottering back from our home to hers.
Eventually the pain will lessen. I have learned that is true. But the dull ache will never disappear. I ache for the little girl that we said goodbye to 3 months ago. I miss her. Our kids will tell me they miss her, at random parts of our mundane day. All I can say is, I miss her too.
The thing about our adoption story is that one day....I will be able to reflect on this entry.... with remembrance of the painful journey. But there will be Joy. It is just how it always works with God's children. The painful events of this life are meant to declare Him faithful. To make Him shine. His Glory to be magnified. "She cried out to her God, and when all seemed hopeless and she looked foolish...... He answered".... That will be the last chapter in my story. I truly believe that. Not because I am worthy.... but because He is good.
So the romance is over. I am tired, all over. Pin It Now!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Prayers Answered in a Day
Today was kind of tough. I should have done more school with the kids, and they probably should have been sent outside. Instead I became a referee all day. My two boys and the two girls could not resolve squabbles all day. I did.
This morning I had more questions than I have this evening. We have had a little boy for the past month. He has another home that he should be going to with his teenage mother. We've done the whole teenager and child foster care, and it's not a good fit for our family. A friend of ours, though, is willing to open up her home, so she was emergency licensed today. I found out that he should transition into her home either today (obviously not) or tomorrow. I am hoping for something more stable for the little guy.
But perhaps, the most unexpected news is that the two girls we've been fostering for the past 6 months, are going to be transitioning into their mother's care in the next few weeks! There is a clear time table, and date even!! This is what I have been praying for, but as is the norm, I have a lot of mixed emotions over the process. The girls deserve to be with their mom , if she can parent. And truly the answer will only be answered sufficiently, by reunification.
I will need prayer. My desire is to support this mother, with all that I can. And my hope is that we can maintain communication with the girls. Lord willing. It just is not simple or easy. I have had birthmothers that I have loved instantly, with this mother it is has been touch and go. I do believe that she truly loves her girls and she has done everything that has been asked of her. She has earned this chance.
But the idea of our home going from 7 kids to 4, is strange. We'll see what God has planned, after today, I can say, I have no idea. But I know that He is good and faithful. This I know
Tonight, the weight of all the shifting makes me tired. I find myself at the mercy of my Jesus. Foster care is nothing like anything you picture. The kids are always different than the kids you picture in your head. I'm not even sure if it's a conscious thing I do, picturing them, but I do.
I am dealing with each case one at a time. We will say goodbye to the little guy in the next few days, maybe even tomorrow. I will focus our attention on reunifying the girls, and giving all the support we know to. I am gearing up for a roller coaster ride of emotions for the next month. And then we will focus on our adoption of Silas.
Silas' case just got transferred to the adoption specialist. Our final adoptions day should be a matter of months I am starting to plan for it, as one plans for a wedding). Will we take any placements during this time? I don't think we will take any while we transition the two girls. And maybe after they are gone, we'll take a few weeks to breath, and do something as a family. But our local office knows that we would like to adopt. They know our preferences and so if we get a call for something permanent, I'm taking it as a queue from God. But if not, it will be a much needed rest for our home. Only time and God know. Pin It Now!
This morning I had more questions than I have this evening. We have had a little boy for the past month. He has another home that he should be going to with his teenage mother. We've done the whole teenager and child foster care, and it's not a good fit for our family. A friend of ours, though, is willing to open up her home, so she was emergency licensed today. I found out that he should transition into her home either today (obviously not) or tomorrow. I am hoping for something more stable for the little guy.
But perhaps, the most unexpected news is that the two girls we've been fostering for the past 6 months, are going to be transitioning into their mother's care in the next few weeks! There is a clear time table, and date even!! This is what I have been praying for, but as is the norm, I have a lot of mixed emotions over the process. The girls deserve to be with their mom , if she can parent. And truly the answer will only be answered sufficiently, by reunification.
I will need prayer. My desire is to support this mother, with all that I can. And my hope is that we can maintain communication with the girls. Lord willing. It just is not simple or easy. I have had birthmothers that I have loved instantly, with this mother it is has been touch and go. I do believe that she truly loves her girls and she has done everything that has been asked of her. She has earned this chance.
But the idea of our home going from 7 kids to 4, is strange. We'll see what God has planned, after today, I can say, I have no idea. But I know that He is good and faithful. This I know
Tonight, the weight of all the shifting makes me tired. I find myself at the mercy of my Jesus. Foster care is nothing like anything you picture. The kids are always different than the kids you picture in your head. I'm not even sure if it's a conscious thing I do, picturing them, but I do.
I am dealing with each case one at a time. We will say goodbye to the little guy in the next few days, maybe even tomorrow. I will focus our attention on reunifying the girls, and giving all the support we know to. I am gearing up for a roller coaster ride of emotions for the next month. And then we will focus on our adoption of Silas.
Silas' case just got transferred to the adoption specialist. Our final adoptions day should be a matter of months I am starting to plan for it, as one plans for a wedding). Will we take any placements during this time? I don't think we will take any while we transition the two girls. And maybe after they are gone, we'll take a few weeks to breath, and do something as a family. But our local office knows that we would like to adopt. They know our preferences and so if we get a call for something permanent, I'm taking it as a queue from God. But if not, it will be a much needed rest for our home. Only time and God know. Pin It Now!
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
A Vacation
A New Year.
A New Month.
A New Week.
A New Day.
We are only given a numbered amount of these. Then we will die. The few that remember us, they too will go. I have never understood the person who is okay with us just dying and that is it. I simply cannot be okay, with that being it. It is not because I want anything more, it's because deep, deep within me, more real than my own sure death, I know that there is more..... why does that matter? Because it is that belief that births hope in me. The hope that allows me to preserve, when I want to stay in bed, because I am sad.
These past few days, I have realized my struggle with God. As I have struggled with being a foster parent. Struggled with this journey NOT being what I wanted. It has not looked neat, or sure, or fulfilling. It has been uncertain, messy, and difficult. I have had internal toddler fits, with my Maker. I have made demands and tried bartering (God I will _____ if you only allow us not say goodbye to ___), I have begged, and pleaded, reminding Him of my intentions!! (to grow our family).
I am not pretty on the inside. If you could read my thoughts, you would know, for certain, its true. So these past few months. I have been shown how much of my life is about me. And that is not what I want. I want Him. I want His will for our family. I can't compare the story He is writing in our family to the stories He's written in others. All my demands and fits get me nowhere, for He doesn't nudge, when He has a better plan. A plan better not just for me, but for everyone else involved.
So these past few days, have been days where I remind myself the true purpose of being foster parents. Obedience. Its been a time for repenting for bringing my motives and agenda to the table. Yes, I can voice our desire to adopt to our local office (much to their horror), but I still believe in God's true call and sovereignty over the children that are placed in our home! Who knows for how much longer, or what the result of the placements will be....
Our family took 6 of our kids with us to vacation. And when we came back we became a family with 7 kids, again.
Want to know something incredible that I get to witness? The little boy that we were not a good fit for that I wrote about? Well Mr. J found a more permanent placement with dear family of ours. And he is thriving! We get to see these great updates and see how God cares for these kids, better than we can.
I also received a few photos of our little girl, who is now out of state with her family. She is doing well. Her mom, who is still here, is living with family, and trying to get her little girl back. It made my heart sing to hear that not only is our baby doing well, but her mother is being loved on by the family, as well. Who knows how this story will be told?
We have a little toddler now, who is so very sweet. He won't be with us very long. But I am thankful that he is with us. He has a lot going on, and God is faithful to not put him back in the situation that he came from. There was talk of this being a. possibility. We will see what God does in his case.
Sometimes, God needs to remind me what is most important. The beginning of this year. I am glad He did.
Maybe loosing a child, after caring for them for a year, is what I needed to be reminded, that it really is, and has never been about me.
Pin It Now!
A New Month.
A New Week.
A New Day.
We are only given a numbered amount of these. Then we will die. The few that remember us, they too will go. I have never understood the person who is okay with us just dying and that is it. I simply cannot be okay, with that being it. It is not because I want anything more, it's because deep, deep within me, more real than my own sure death, I know that there is more..... why does that matter? Because it is that belief that births hope in me. The hope that allows me to preserve, when I want to stay in bed, because I am sad.
These past few days, I have realized my struggle with God. As I have struggled with being a foster parent. Struggled with this journey NOT being what I wanted. It has not looked neat, or sure, or fulfilling. It has been uncertain, messy, and difficult. I have had internal toddler fits, with my Maker. I have made demands and tried bartering (God I will _____ if you only allow us not say goodbye to ___), I have begged, and pleaded, reminding Him of my intentions!! (to grow our family).
I am not pretty on the inside. If you could read my thoughts, you would know, for certain, its true. So these past few months. I have been shown how much of my life is about me. And that is not what I want. I want Him. I want His will for our family. I can't compare the story He is writing in our family to the stories He's written in others. All my demands and fits get me nowhere, for He doesn't nudge, when He has a better plan. A plan better not just for me, but for everyone else involved.
So these past few days, have been days where I remind myself the true purpose of being foster parents. Obedience. Its been a time for repenting for bringing my motives and agenda to the table. Yes, I can voice our desire to adopt to our local office (much to their horror), but I still believe in God's true call and sovereignty over the children that are placed in our home! Who knows for how much longer, or what the result of the placements will be....
Our family took 6 of our kids with us to vacation. And when we came back we became a family with 7 kids, again.
Want to know something incredible that I get to witness? The little boy that we were not a good fit for that I wrote about? Well Mr. J found a more permanent placement with dear family of ours. And he is thriving! We get to see these great updates and see how God cares for these kids, better than we can.
I also received a few photos of our little girl, who is now out of state with her family. She is doing well. Her mom, who is still here, is living with family, and trying to get her little girl back. It made my heart sing to hear that not only is our baby doing well, but her mother is being loved on by the family, as well. Who knows how this story will be told?
We have a little toddler now, who is so very sweet. He won't be with us very long. But I am thankful that he is with us. He has a lot going on, and God is faithful to not put him back in the situation that he came from. There was talk of this being a. possibility. We will see what God does in his case.
Sometimes, God needs to remind me what is most important. The beginning of this year. I am glad He did.
Maybe loosing a child, after caring for them for a year, is what I needed to be reminded, that it really is, and has never been about me.
Pin It Now!
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