It has been a rough few months for me emotionally. I went on a date with my husband, last night (Gasp, I know!!). He looked at me, as I was just sharing how hard it has been to just get out of bed! It is hard to face the day, everyday.... and I can't peg when this became a struggle. It didn't happen just one day... Boom! But I feel like I should know why, and when, and certainly, how to make the struggle end. But I do not know.
As Toby shared with me his own struggle, he looked at me and said "it's ever since we said goodbye to K" and that idea has been rolling over in my head today. Has it really been since then? He seems to think that we haven't grieved properly, and that is the cause of the emotional lead, that leads me to dread each day. But I am not sure that I know how to grieve properly. How do I MAKE myself process a loss that I can justify, in my head..... but still ache for in my heart? And I wonder if I loved her properly? As I was washing the dishes today, I wondered if she still drooled when she got mad and cried....I know that it's such a weird thing to think about... but it was distinct... it was her! I wonder what her life is like.... if she is loved....I believe she is! But sometimes, I wonder, still. This is the part of foster care that makes people run..... but life is full of loss, you can't out run that.
So we face another immanent loss looming before us. We were supposed to say goodbye to the two girls that we have had for 9 months now, twice. Yet tonight, they sleep in our home, safely. The girls have been through an emotional beating, as the back and forth, and back and forth, have taken a toll.... without reunification. Honestly? I am tired!!! I am ill equipped for dealing with the effects. I need prayer. There is a review call in a few days regarding this case. I am essentially just going to be asked "how are the girls?"..... and I want to say the right words, I want to honor God, and not just say whatever I want, or speak out of my frustration, and anger. I want to convey the damage of the uncertainty in these girl's lives, after 9 months in care. At 9 months, this case is a mess. I have no answers but the back and forth can not be, the way it has been. I hold my 7 year old, while she cries, having no answers. She cries because we "leave her out", when she is not with us. She cries because she "does not remember". She cries because she doesn't know, and I think really that is as honest as it will ever get. But it could be so much worse. She could be acting out.... instead, she feels. both girls are a bottomless pit of needs. So much need for safety, love, constant affirmation, hugs, more affirmation, and yet, more hugs..... and I love you's, which I echo back. I know this is truly a gift, but some days, my eyes are blurry and I can't see that gift.
Every part can be difficult, but that hope... the strong desire, for the kids, that I know God will put in our home..... that doesn't fade. I have moments of wanting it to all go away, but they are moments. If I got a call tomorrow, asking for us to take another case on...I would. This may be a strength... or it may be a weakness.... it depends on the day. Pin It Now!
james@mail.postmanllc.net
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