I wish that I come to the blogging world with glee and delight, but I come to release, and process. My world of foster care doesn't have much glee or delight, currently. The school year began with so much hope in my heart for our two girls. Their story continues to be written, mostly in a language, that I cannot read. The case has been all over the place. A month ago, we got a new caseworker, the goal was going to change to adoption. Today, we are mentally, packing up the girls, as we have done so many times over the year, and preparing to say goodbye. The new caseworker sees no red flags in their return to their bio-mom, and her new husband. None. And I cannot, for the life of me, make any sense of that conclusion. How can two caseworkers have completely different takes on the same case? How can one see many red flags, while the other see none? It makes me question their return, all the more. I have no assurance of them being in a safe home. In our state's current layout..... that seems to not matter much. It's a cross your finger sort of arrangement.
But I am confident in my God, and His love for our girls. His unrelenting pursuit of them. I believe in prayer. I know He knows, what I do not, and He is good. My confidence rests solely on Him. I hold on to hope...I continue to pray. That is enough.
Our 7 year old has been through so many emotions, in the past 15 months, with us. I cannot imagine our family without her. She and my birth daughter have grown, through much struggle, close. The sad reality is that my daughter will most likely be the one that feels the greatest loss, because our 7 year old has had enough of it, to cope. Her sister, who turned 2, yesterday, does not know any other mother. She's had visits, but that is not the same, I have been her mother. She will not understand why.
Do we prepare for Christmas without them? With them? We don't know. We have been here before.
The reality is that loss is a part of life. And these painful lessons teach me to rely on the only stability, truth and hope. May you find comfort, in the greatest days of need. Goodnight.
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